It turns out there is a bully even meaner and more pernicious than the one hanging around the deserted playground: the bully within.  It’s that voice inside you that says everything with a sneer, like “You don’t really think you can make it as a writer, do you?”  Or the voice that whispers you don’t have any true friends, pointing out people are just being polite.  Your inner bully blocks the path to success and undermines your efforts to explore.

Your first instinct might be to let your “parents” take care of the problem, allowing the stern, authoritative side of yourself to put that bully in his place.  The problem is that bullies don’t listen to reason.  He might go away for a while, but in fact he’s just hiding until your “parents” get distracted by more important things, like work and paying the bills. 

Jennifer Shelton recently wrote about her battle with her inner bully over exploring a career in astrology:

Arguing with your thoughts, feelings and beliefs make them stick around LONGER. So, when this fear of what others are thinking comes up, I leave space for it.  I don’t have to let the belief bully me, but I can say, “I respect my worry, and I’m willing to live with it.” Interestingly, this has lessened the power the belief has over me. I don’t know if it will ever fully go away, but that’s ok – it makes me who I am!

Fortunately, many of the strategies for fighting external bullies work on the internal bully as well.  In addition to what Shelton describes, try these 3 tactics for prevailing over your own internal bully:

1. The site Kickbully recommends the fail-safe response of “Why?”  Attempting to ignore a bully will likely only make her louder and more obnoxious.  Remember, the internal bully represents your most subliminal fears and insecurities.  Forcing the bully to reveal their true motivations provides a way to explore those fears, and demonstrates you aren’t dissuaded.  ”Don’t be surprised if the bully calms down in response to your repeated questions. You’ve given him a chance to vent, you’ve demonstrated an eagerness to listen, you’ve shown him that you aren’t intimidated,” Kickbully explains.
2. Another way to lessen the impact of your internal bully is to make friends with people who will be more supportive.  The more positive and encouraging voices you surround yourself with, the less likely you are to pay attention to the rude remarks of your bully.  This can either be the optimistic voice in your own head or colleagues at work. 
3. The reason a bully’s comments hurt is usually because there’s an element of truth to them.  Believe it or not, a bully can have some useful suggestions, they’re just often presented in a way that tends to  make us defensive.  Sometimes the easiest way to make a bully shut-up is to agree, as suggested by a group of 5th graders at Hildreth Elementary.  Try to reframe the comments into constructive criticism.  For example, if your bully tells you your writing sucks, reframe that as advice to take a writing class or to ask an established writer for some unbiased feedback and suggestions for improvement.

Internal bullies come in many shapes and sizes, but we all deal with them.  Your bully might keep you from being productive by constantly critiquing your work or try to prevent you from following through on your life plans, like it did with Shelton.  Either way, it’s important to deal with the issue as soon as you recognize it.    If you don’t, it will be difficult to nurture your talent and claim a life you love.

Photo courtesy of Eddie~S on Flikr

Tagged as: how to fight a bully, internal bully