• 5
  • comments
Post Image

Anyone who’s ever read this blog knows my family is at the top of my priority list.  But as someone who writes about the difference between happiness and a happy life, I feel obligated to share some disturbing news: families may be hazardous.

Penelope Trunk, one of my favorite bloggers, recently linked to an article in New York Magazine titled All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting.  It wasn’t like I hadn’t noticed during my childless years how most parents seek out company with hopes of dumping their parental responsibilities.  But turns out there’s also a ton of research, including work by Nobel Prize-winning economist Daniel Kahneman, that shows “parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so.”

And that got me to wondering why (as I’m sure it would my three year old).  Jennifer Senior, the author of the article, explores a number of potential reasons for the effect, everything from societal pressure to provide “aggresive nurturing” to the bias in scientific studies that only measures immediate happiness as opposed to long-term satisfaction.  Overall, I can say the article is well worth reading, whether you have children or are still thinking about it.

And then I stumbled across this amazing video of a young chimp and his mother as they discover a video camera next to the termite mound they were seeking.  It’s a short video, but notice the sharp difference in their behavior.

While the young chimp is excited to poke and prod the unusual object, his mother has other things on her mind. I can almost hear her saying “Would you quit goofing around? I have things to do.”   Then it clicked: that momma chimp looks like so many modern day parents.  She’s not in the dual-income grind and she doesn’t have to run her son to soccer practice, but she still doesn’t have time or mental energy for one of the most happy-inducing things I know: curiosity.

So the real question is: how do you nurture your curiosity and awe in an ever overwhelming world? Call me crazy, but I believe life-long learning is the secret to a happy life.  We’re so busy trying to support the educational and emotional growth of our children along with the other demands of modern life, we neglect our own.  What is the message we send our children when the only time they see us reading a book is when they ask us to read one?

I used to think kids lost much of their curiosity by the time they got to college because of the system.  But maybe, as this video suggests, it’s just a natural consequence of growing up.  Can we fight it?   If you go too long burying your curiosity for the sake of getting the bills paid or performing on a standardized test, what happens?  Are we talking a flabby muscle analogy, where one can just pop back into the old training regime no problem?  Or is it more of a hearing loss analogy, where the “curiosity cilia” are pushed too far and never respond again?

I’ve touched on this concept before, but now I’m coming to see that curiousity also benefits from “the village” concept.  We have to support each other in the goal of life-long learning.  Seeing the world afresh through your child’s eyes is certainly one way to invite curiosity back into your life.  We know that the most important aspect to learning is the teacher.  But who says that teacher always has to be you?

The trick is to create a life that isn’t so harried you have no time for a wandering mind.  Since I started working from home, I’ve found I’m less frenzied and more calm–a good state of mind for learning.  Now when I go to the library, I pick up something for myself.  And more importantly, I make time to read it.  Who knows, it might give the whole family some crazy good ideas.

  • Liked this post? Click here to subscribe to
  • Everyday Bright Logo
  • Add Comment
  • A Chance to
  • Speak Your Mind

5 Responses to Is Your Family Killing Your Curiosity?

  1. One of my favorite posts you have done so far. I have come to realize in the last few years that curiosity really is one of the main ingredients in a life of magic and scope.

    I do think it can be regained if it is dormant for a while. At least I hope it can be, as I go through periods sometimes when I am too tired to be curious. Those are depressing times, so I hope that it is no fluke that I sometimes get curiosity back in higher levels, and almost right away feel better about life.

    In the whole, I do think curiosity can be damaged by things such as depression, or trauma, or just a long bout of aimless wandering without hope. I sense I am on the whole less curious than I was ten years ago. But I always feel I am slowly building it back up again by doing more new things. (New things naturally fertilize our curiosity, I think.)

    • Thanks, Ty. It’s my goal to keep writing posts that are your favorites so far. :)

      The video really was an a-ha moment for me. I just identified with that mama monkey so much, even though I cherish my curiosity. And of course it’s not just family life that wears you down. As you point out, trauma or deep stress of any kind can do it. I agree though that I do think you can nurture it back to life. I certainly feel I’ve shaved 10 years off my mental age by switching to a work at home paradigm that allows me to be more flexible and less stressed. I feel like a whole new person. Of course, maybe I’m just in the “new thing” phase. Either way, worth considering what will work for you to jumpstart your curiosity on a regular basis.

    • On
    • August 30, 2010 at 1:28 pm
    • Rebecca
    • Said...

    Wow, what a cute video. I read the NYMag article a few weeks ago as well and thought it was a great divergent view on parenthood. I’m sure it does kill curiosity of a certain sort because your primary reason for being is no longer discovery, but protection. But with protection, you have to be curious enough (note the moms who are dilligent in researching the best products for their children). So it’s just a shift. I think the key here is that your skills will remain the same, but the topic will be very different. But I’m not a parent, so who knows ;)

    • On
    • September 15, 2010 at 11:09 am
    • Steve
    • Said...

    Learning is important to me in a couple ways. One is beacause I’ve never lost my curiosity; I’ve always been a life long learner. The other is because I’m in grad school to become an English teacher so learning is going to be my job one day. I don’t know why people seem to lose their curiousity as they get older, but I can see that it does diminish over time. I think some people can fight it, but many others are probably just fine with letting it go.

    Also, I think I know what study you’re referring to in the beginning about parenting. I think that same study shows that marriage actually increases happiness. It is becoming a parent when happiness declines.

    • Steve,

      First, welcome! You’re right. Most research shows that marriage not only increases your happiness, but also your health and wealth (assuming of course that the marriage itself is a happy one). With children, that level of happiness seems to either remain static or decrease, though it’s important to note what’s being measured here: happiness. I make a big distinction between happiness and a happy life (see my About page for an explanation). We often talk about the “pursuit of happiness,” but what’s really meaningful is the pursuit of a happy life. I don’t disagree that having children decreases overall happiness, but I think it contributes significantly to increased euphoria and hopefully a happy life. This goes back to your life long learning comment. If you can find a way to channel your curiosity into your childcare, instead of diminishing it, I think the chances of beating the happy life odds are pretty good.

      Good luck in grad school. Both my brother and sister-in-law got degrees in English from Harvard. It’s a tough career to find jobs in, but according to them, very rewarding when you do.

      Hope to see you around!