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It all started innocently enough. I wanted my child to like vegetables and whole grains.  For a long time, that’s all I fed her.  Then as she got older, I introduced some sweets (I didn’t want it to become the forbidden fruit), but only at occasions like birthday parties and Halloween.

The great news is that by and large, my strategy has worked.  My daughter loves all kinds of fresh fruits and vegetables.  I’ve even dubbed her The Accidental Vegetarian, due to her preference for veges over meat.  There’s one little problem: her mother is still addicted to cookies and candy bars.

How did I get here?

For centuries parents have been demanding their children ”Do as I say, not as I do.”  But I want a relationship with my daughter that’s built on trust and mutual respect.  I was a bit hesitant to perpetuate the Santa Claus myth, but reasoned as a kid I had enjoyed the wonder it created.  Then I introduced The Toy Fairy, who steals toys that little boys and girls neglect to put away before bedtime.  Not only does this creature inspire tidiness, it apparently also generates empathy.  My daughter recently told me she’d willing share some of her toys with The Toy Fairy since she seems to like them so much.   Talk about making me feel like a jerk.

But the real source of my angst: I’m sneaking sweets.  I can rationalize my mythical creatures. But when I’m savoring a caramel-filled Hershey kiss while my blissfrully unaware daughter reads books to herself, something is wrong.  Usually I wait until she’s in bed, so there’s no chance of being discovered, but sometimes I just can’t wait.  When she sees the candy in the pantry and asks for some, I nearly always say no–to her.

What to do about it

At times, I’ve been tempted to let her in on my extravagance.  I don’t see other mothers as worried about sweets as I am.  It’s part of childhood, some friends have told me.  But my father not only had a sweet tooth, he ultimately had Type II diabetes.  I really do believe the mantra I’m telling my daughter, even if I’m not following it.  Dessert should be a treat.  I just don’t seem to have the self-control to make it happen.

The other option is to just keep all sweets out of the house.  I’ve attempted this strategy for a few weeks now.  It doesn’t work because I do the shopping, which requires a self-control at the grocery store I haven’t been able to muster.  There were times I nearly engaged in a shouting match with myself walking past the cookie aisle.  Going cold turkey is extraordinarily difficult (scientists have likened the sweet addiction to that experienced by cocaine).

Then I realized that cutting sweets out all together fails to teach my daughter the most important lesson: sometimes we fail, but we have to keep trying.  If all of my achievements seem easy and effortless, how will she ever develop the persistence to battle her own vices? More specifically, she’ll need to build her own impulse control to avoid a  sweet addiction when she has more autonomy.

As the saying goes, the first step to solving a problem is to admit you have one.  I don’t want to be a hypocrite parent.  Remember my struggles with Smashburger?  I solved that problem by moving.  But I can’t escape sweets, and neither can my daughter.  Even as I write this post, I’m eating a Gingersnap.  But that’s okay.  This box is going to last us a long time.  I promise.

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6 Responses to The Hypocrite's Guide to Parenting

    • On
    • August 20, 2010 at 12:50 pm
    • Barbara
    • Said...

    Jen, You need to lighten up on yourself a bit. I think you’ve done a good thing with controlling the sweets, but I agree with you that she’ll begin to look at the ‘forbidden fruit’ and then it’s all for nothing.
    If you have candy in the house, maybe she could choose when she wanted it and you choose the quantity.
    I have to stop now because you’ve made me crave a hershey’s kiss… have to find one!
    bye!

    • Barbara,
      Undoubtedly you’re right–I do tend to be hard on myself. It was just such a big realization that I couldn’t just keep the house “clean” or I’d never provide her with opportunities for practicing self-restraint. What’s impressive to me is that in some cases, she’s already better at food moderation than I am! I do like your idea of her choosing the time and me choosing the quantity. I think the other thing I’ll do is try to keep sweets she likes that I don’t, so I’m not tempted to overindulge when she’s not around. I guess I’m lucky that I don’t crave ALL sugar, really just chocolate, cookies, and some cakes. Mmmm, cake…

      Thanks for the props, friend. I need that some time!

  2. Pingback: How to Make Room for Adventure

  3. Ha, well I’m still 6 months away from being a mom, but I can definitely relate to the sweets craving and not being able to stop once you’ve started.

    One thing I’ve found that works is switching to more filling, higher quality “sweets” – kills the craving, but without the guilt.

    Ever tried banana soft serve ice cream? http://www.choosingraw.com/this-post-will-change-your-life/

    I have and it really does turn out great – especially with some little dark chocolate chips sprinkled on.

    One I’ve been meaning to try (finally bought my chia seeds last week!) is: http://www.choosingraw.com/basic-chia-seed-pudding/
    You can add cocoa powder to make it more dessert.

    Or, how about a chocolate-banana-peanut butter smoothie?

    Usually I keep a bar of high quality dark chocolate with almonds or something similar in the house – and that’s it. One or two squares of that does a lot more for me than artificially flavored Hershey’s – once you switch it’s hard to go back to the cheap chocolate!

    Other than that, keep trying to just not walk down the cookie aisle. It’s a waste of money and crappy for your health all around.

    Oh, one more, there’s a recipe on my blog for chocolate zucchini muffins I’ve made several times to great reviews – freeze some so you can’t eat them all in 2 days! (I’d include a link, but my work computer blocks access to my blog =(

    • Hey, thanks for the terrific ideas. I will definitely try them out. Chocolate zucchini muffins sound awesome! I did eat a pluot this afternoon instead of a handful of chocolate kisses. Paired with a cup of tea, I might make it through the afternoon with my conscience intact. Welcome to the site–a reader with solutions is the perfect kind of reader! :)

    • On
    • September 24, 2010 at 8:23 am
    • Aunt Kandy
    • Said...

    Dear Little “J”,

    I must really be getting old when in spite of the fact I know you are an adult woman and a wife and a mother etc. you still remain our little “J”. Then again maybe thats my way of making you more personal to me. In spite of the fact that I do not contact you very often, Uncle John and I could take a nice trip somewhere if we had a $1 for every time we think or talk about you. The most recent being last Sunday after Church at Bob and Judy’s home where we found out you were no longer in OHIO. Then I remembered your Email about the Blog. which was instantly dismissed because I know absolutely nothing about blogging. Anyway here I am trying…….when all I really want is an address, and a phone number and a recent photo of Ingrid and while I am at this how about spending Christmas with us? Then I could catch up on all your ‘doings’ without all this typing……at my age my voice works a whole lot better than my fingers on these keys.