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Editor’s note: Guest post by Ty Unglebower

Each of us to a large extent is defined by what we put our greatest effort into. Prayer. Work. Raising our children. Staying fit. Or, stealing. Hurting people. Gaining power. Spreading lies. All require effort, and we can learn a lot about what a person is, or thinks they are, by examining those efforts.

It therefore stands to reason in my mind that we can learn about ourselves by observing not only what, but who we put our effort into. The people with whom we choose or desire to spend time. To get to know better. To share with. To take care of. And conversely, those who put similar efforts into us.

The promise as well as the pitfall of the electronic age is the effortless nature of communication and connection with other people. Granted, a great amount of time and effort can be put into tweets, emails, Facebook friend lists, and text messages. But let’s face it; you don’t have to put in great effort to communicate electronically. With the click of a mouse and the push of a button you’re on someone’s friends list. A flip of your phone and a skim through a contacts list and you’ve sent a picture without any explanations to anybody you choose.

And you can do all of that while paying little mind to what the person on the other end is going through, how they feel, whether or not they are doing okay, or in some cases, who the hell they are. In fact you can do all of that and not even interrupt the conversation you are having in person.

In person. The true judge of how much effort one is willing to put into relationships. Not that being in the physical presence of someone precludes them from being shallow or lazy by any means. But by being engaged with people personally we are more able to determine where we stand with them. And where they stand with us, because in person contact requires, by and large, more effort. Sometimes a great deal of effort.

Who is willing to come visit you? Who will drive 30 minutes out of their way to pick you up or drop you off somewhere? Which friends can you really count on when you need someone? When you really need someone who loves you to make a sacrifice? The more you are around people in person, the more you will see just who is putting in that extra effort to walk with you. Buy you lunch. Celebrate your victory. Stay up all night with you.

It is much more difficult to fake these efforts than it is to text the emoticon face that is most appropriate for the situation.

And what about you? The value of being with your friends in person doesn’t stop at your value to others. Are you willing to take stock of whom you are really putting the effort into, and to whom you are just paying lip service (or “keyboard service”)? Go through your Facebook friend list one by one, and think about what you would get out of your chair and into your car and do for that person. Ask yourself as you look at each friend’s profile how much you would go out of your way for them, or them for you. This will probably take way too much of your time if you have, say 1,000 Facebook friends. And that, dear reader, is my point. It’s way too easy to commit to Facebook, and perhaps we do so as often as we do because it is way too hard for some of us to commit to people “in real life”.

There are people that I love, whom love me back, that I met through online platforms alone. And there are people who actually speak the words “I love you” as they embrace me physically that I wouldn’t trust with a pack of gum. So there are exceptions to both sides of this argument. Nothing about what I say is absolute. But in the end, we learn much more about ourselves when we are forced to confront who is and is not worth our time and energy. And the best way to gauge that is to spend time with the people we call friends in person. Even if they end up just being worth a casual friendship, the ambiguity often borne of internet communication is eliminated, thus making room in our lives for more authentic people.

Ty Unglebower is the author of two blogs: TooXYZ (discussing his mold-breaking thoughts on careers, social success and more)  and Always Off Book (discussing his “not so amateur thoughts on the world of acting”).  He is a freelance writer and actor living in Brunswick, Maryland.

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20 Responses to The Pitfall Of The Modern Age: Electronic Friends

    • On
    • August 26, 2010 at 9:32 pm
    • Missy Martin
    • Said...

    ..and here I thought I was the only one that still believed in meeting for coffee and the hand written note. Thanks for writing this.

    • You’re definitely not the only one! And we should do coffee/tea next time I’m in town. :)

  2. I loved this post. I agree with you, Ty – the people who are my true ‘friends’ are ones that I can see in person, who will come over at 4 AM if I need something, or even fly across the country at the drop of a hat. That said, I do believe digital tools have helped me cultivate those friendships or at least stay in touch with people. I moved from FL to TX about 1.5 yrs ago and all of my best friends / family are still in FL. I utilize the digital space to keep them abreast of what’s going on in the day to day and review their pages to see what’s going on in their daily lives. I like digital for that purpose. I also like digital for the purpose of making new ‘friends’ (let’s call them acquaintances). I like differing opinions and viewpoints and have found that it can be far easier to ‘talk’ to people I don’t know that well – BUT have found that we have commonalities through social media. It’s not the same type of ‘friendship’, but it does feel as if someone is listening / understands me.

    Perhaps, as we move forward and the internet and social media spaces continue to evolve, we will recognize that there are more than just 2 types of friends – and another ‘sub’ category of “friend” is our digital friends. Certainly I would love to meet many of these people F2F, but sometimes – just knowing that they are on the computer during the day if I need to vent – helps me get through a bad day.

    • Jamie,

      As usual, you and I have a lot of thoughts going in parallel. I wanted to point out I have an old post titled “What Kind of Friend Are You?” which talks about the idea you bring up. I like the idea that electronic friends can be a sub-category. Indeed, I’m very grateful for my electronic friends, and they do different things for me than my IRL friends do. You’re so smart! (You’re a luminary in fact)

  3. Did anyone see the movie, “Surrogates”? It talks about exactly what Becky mentions above…it’s in the future – and there is no such thing as “real” contact anymore. Everyone is a computer…interesting.

    • On
    • August 27, 2010 at 10:34 am
    • Becky B
    • Said...

    As always, Ty, a thought-provoking, evocative, look-at-yourself-in-the-mirror post. Despite the exceptions you mentioned, it really makes me wonder if we’re going to reach a point, sooner rather than later, where the online world will fracture and fray and ultimately collapse, because people find they’re suffering from lack of “real” contact.

    • On
    • August 27, 2010 at 12:43 pm
    • Barbara
    • Said...

    Ty this was very thought provoking. I agree with Jamie that social media helps keep real friendships vibrant by being able to stay in daily contact with those friends who don’t live near us. It has even re-kindled some old friendships that I was afraid I’d lost.
    On the other hand, just because they’re called ‘friends’ on facebook, doesn’t make it so.
    Thanks for the post!

  6. Thanks everyone for the comments. (And of course to Jen for allowing me to post here!)

    Missy- No, there are still some people out there, obviously, who feel the same. The oddest thing though is that I had to go online to find most of them.

    Becky- An interesting, and even scary proposition. Made all the more scary by the fact that i can very easily see that occurring. But then again, perhaps if it DID occur at some point in the future, that initial crumble would lead the way to a return to a more human touch. Maybe we are at the start of a wide pendulum swing towards the cold, digital universe which, when it reaches it’s apex, will begin to swing back towards a more moderate, human based social equation.

    Jamie- I caught your comments over at BC and mostly responded to them there, but I will add that the 4AM test is a good one as well. I don’t think I honestly have many friends that I would be welcome to call at that hour, or who would come if I needed them. And I have not seen that movie of which you speak, but it sounds like I should Netflix it.

    Barbara-I have experienced the same thing. Before Facebook there really were friends from years gone with whom I thought I would never connect again. And in many cases, it has actually led the way to closer ties with the same people. Naturally some of the people I found or found me in social media have not turned out to be worth my time, but far fewer than I expected.

    • My pleasure having you here, Ty. This is what the blogosphere is all about–bringing intelligent people together to have a good conversation. Now all we need are electronic hors d’oeuvres!

    • On
    • August 27, 2010 at 5:49 pm
    • Heather
    • Said...

    Loved your post Ty. I do ask myself these questions about my online friendships. I have recently deleted my Twitter account for this very reason. I found I was caught up in other people’s lives. Although they were people who lived quite close to me I was quite certain that I would never want to meet them. Sorry that I am no longer your number one follower :( Twitter gave me a window into other people’s lives and I found that fascinating. It was also time consuming and the pragmatist in me wanted to answer the question – What is it’s purpose- what use is it to me? In the end I came up with nothing.

    • Heather,
      You must be following some interesting people! Few people that I follow seem to talk about much at all–it’s just links and advertisements and rarely anything personal. I follow some 200 people on Twitter, but I only about a dozen of them reach the category of fascinating. I do applaud you though for letting go of the distraction and reclaiming your priorities. Hard to do, but very worth the effort!

    • On
    • August 27, 2010 at 6:11 pm
    • sadya
    • Said...

    im going to chime in with what Heather just said about getting caught up in other people’s lives and i think that happens alot when u start to live online. for me facebook, linkedin etc. brought some people closer but then i think it simply revived the connection that was already there, it didnt build any new ones.

  9. Heather…I had wondered what had happened when I went to post my follow Friday for you today. I can’t say I totally understand what exactly you mean, but of course everybody has to do what they feel they must. You can add me on Facebook sometime if you like. Thanks for enjoying this post, though.

  10. I can’t tell you how much this applies in the world of business too. In my consulting efforts with my firm Financially Digital there are times when work is done purely through an internet connection. All communications, documentations, and presentations are web based – those are the hardest projects. As a professional and a prof of economics at a local 4 year college I can’t tell you how important making connections in person are. I’m not opposed to the awesome connections you make online but the ones that are important still get the time and attention they deserve :)

    • I can imagine, Nunzio. Clear communication of goals and expectations are hard even face to face. The lack of body language in electronic communication muddles things even further. It’s a good reminder for those of us contemplating e-business. Thanks!

    • On
    • August 29, 2010 at 8:04 pm
    • Aurian
    • Said...

    Good work, Ty :-) . I often spend time wondering why the effort required to semi-connect online seems so much less threatening than doing so in real life.

    The part that I liked most about your post, though, was the often-ignored introspective part. I think it is incredibly important to take stock of where you are putting your efforts, especially of you are going to use such scales for determining someone else’s framework.

    I’ll have to track down the discussion on BC, and see what the others had to say :-) .

    • Eeek! Speaking of electronic friends, I owe you an email. Sorry. I was on the road. I promise to be introspective about my lapses. :)

    • On
    • August 29, 2010 at 8:45 pm
    • Aurian
    • Said...

    No problem at all, Jen! I hope whatever road trip you were on was a blast! I’ll look forward to it when it comes, but no need for apologies :-) .

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