• 34
  • comments
Post Image

First of all, a huge thank you to the folks at Copyblogger, who published my guest post on the connection between social intelligence and blogging.  Check it out here.

And a big hello to all the new arrivals.  Welcome!

Suppose you’re a writer and you’re in search of the perfect mentor to take your skills up a notch.

Do you tap Stephen King or Jon Morrow?

Now suppose your son needs someone to teach him basketball.

Would you prefer Michael Jordan or the neighbor down the street who played for Duke?

Sadly, many of us would make the wrong choice.

Admit it.  You’re sometimes motivated by bragging rights more than learning.   You want to impress your friends and colleagues with the company you’re keeping.  A well positioned mentor seems to suggest you’re destined for the top of the food chain yourself.

And you justify it by saying: look how successful they are? They’ve sold a bazillion thingamabobs and they’ve been on Oprah.  Of course they’d be a great mentor!

Maybe, maybe not.  It’s important to distinguish between networking and growing.  Turns out there’s a lot more to choosing a mentor than just stalking the best name in your business. 

Here are 10 “must have” qualities to look for in a mentor … and how to find your perfect match.

1. Listens

Because many mentoring relationships begin with the assumption that the person seeking advice wants to be just like their mentor some day, some mentors take that as a cue they should talk about themselves and their journey … a lot.  I once had a mentor who gave me what felt like his complete life story, including difficulties he’d experienced with his wife and kids due to career choices, before he ever really understood what my own goals were.  Good mentors listen more than they talk.

2. Shares your values

This quality is crucial, but it’s often overlooked.  Before you get too far in a mentoring relationship, make sure you share the same core values.  Otherwise, the advice you recieve on how to get ahead could also lead you far astray.

3. Good teacher

Remember that old adage: those who can’t do, teach?  In the world of mentorship, you’d ideally find someone who can do both.  Because someone who can do but can’t teach isn’t very useful.  This means they have to be aware of what skills and talents they rely on most, and then have the ability to translate that into growth potential for you.  This is especially important in light of Vanessa’s guest post, where she reminds us that mimicking someone else’s approach can sometimes backfire.

4. Puts your needs before their own

The role of a mentor is not to keep the talent in-house.  A reader just wrote in one of the Facebook discussions

My bosses know this is not what I want to do but they say I’m too good at what I’m doing for the company now and it would cost to mach money to replace me.

I hear about this kind of short-sighted thinking all the time. I’ve even seen mentor programs developed specifically for the purpose of retaining people.  If that’s the goal of the protege, then terrific, everyone wins.  But what if their dreams take them elsewhere?  A mentor is committed to helping an individual, not the corporation.

5. More than just a connector

If your primary goal is just to get inside some one’s Outlook contacts, you’re missing out on a lot mentoring.  Not to say that networking isn’t valuable.  Of course it is.  But make sure your mentor is doing more for you than providing access.

6. Enjoys what they do

Sounds obvious, but I’ve seen many mentoring relationships where this question is like a pink elephant in the room.  I personally think all mentoring relationships should begin with the question, “If you won the lottery tomorrow, how would your work change?”  You might be surprised to find you have a mentor who would quit in an instant.

This isn’t necessarily a problem, as long as they’re willing to be open about the dark sides of their job.  What one person dislikes may be just peachy for another.  Unfortunately, too many mentors feel they have to be positive and uplifting, even if they don’t feel that way.  Plus, one has to wonder about the quality of their advice if they’re trapped in their own careers.

7. Willing to let you see behind the curtain

I hesitated to mention this one because, frankly, it could be a little scary, depending on how things roll in your organization.  But I think you should know what it is you’re aiming for as early as possible.  Understand how the big decisions are made and the sacrafices necessary to profit.  Just realize that once you peak behind the curtain, there’s no going back to your idealistic fantasies.  That’s all I’m sayin’.

8. Provides constructive criticism

Remember, you’re not just looking for a cheerleader, as fun as it is to have one.  That’s what your mom is for.  If your mentor isn’t providing constructive criticism naturally, ask for it.  You could say something like, “That briefing I gave last week didn’t go as well as I’d hoped.  How could I do it better next time?”  Make sure your mentor is being specific enough that the advice is actionable. If you can get a demonstration of what she thinks works, even better.

9. Helps you grow

Your mentor should push you out of your comfort zone to expand your skills and confidence.  That can happen through special assignments or challenges or by demonstrating the behavior they want you to mimic.

For example, one of the skills I really struggled with when I got into upper management was how to handle the political landscape.  I finally picked up some great pointers by getting the background from my boss and then watching how he navigated the gatekeepers.  Then he put me into a new situation where I had to do something similar.

10. Vision

I saved this one for last because I don’t think all mentors need to have vision, but at least one of your mentors should.  This person should have a big picture view of the career field you’re working in and have ideas on how you can make progress while staying true to your values.  These are also the kinds of people who can help you with complexity, like dealing with competing professional desires.

Finding your perfect match

Let’s get the bad news out of the way first: I haven’t found formal mentoring programs to be very good.  I read their materials, talk to their facilitators, and sad to say, I often come away distinctly unimpressed.  If you think your company has an awesome program, I’d love to hear about it.

The good news is that means the whole wide world opens up as a potential  mentor.  And with the amazing access you can get through social media today, it’s never been easier to find the right one.

First, know what kind of mentor you’re looking for.  Are you still chasing access?  That’s a different person than someone you want to teach you a new skill.  Looking for someone to help you lay out a career roadmap?  That’s another mentor all together too.

Second, shop around.  Don’t buy the first mentor you pick up off the shelf, even if they have a big name or impressive title.  Talk to people inside and outside your company, inside and outside your industry.  Tell people what you’re looking for.  Ask for specific examples of what mentors have helped others achieve.  Above all, be picky.

Third, look in unlikely places.  One of my best mentors also happens to be one of my best friends (I’m looking at you, Jeff).  He’s one of those rare individuals with vision who calls it the way he sees it.  When I’m really in a career conundrum, he’s the first person I call.

Finally, realize that you are half the mentoring relationship.  You need to bring as much as you take.

That doesn’t mean you need to get them Starbucks coffee every Monday morning.  But you need to tell them what you want and need with as much clarity as you can manage.  You have to be honest, and that means you need to do some serious self-reflection.

Nine out of ten protoges agree: mentors are well intentioned.  They want to help you–they just don’t always know how.

Start by sending this post to your mentor and use it as a converstation starter.  They may love it or hate it, but at least you’ll know where they stand and why.  Or if you don’t have a mentor who even comes close yet, use it to jumpstart a mentoring program of your own design.

Don’t forget: the role of most mentors is to help you find the light switch.

Everything you need to shine is already inside.

So do it.  Shine on.

  • Liked this post? Click here to subscribe to
  • Everyday Bright Logo
  • Add Comment
  • A Chance to
  • Speak Your Mind

34 Responses to Don’t Gamble With Your Career: How To Find The Right Mentor

    • On
    • February 8, 2011 at 12:25 pm
    • Vanessa
    • Said...

    Jen – this post is so spot on and so relevant to me (and I’m sure many others) at the moment.

    I’ve had 2 “mentors”: one through university alumni and one while at my first job. Both did not go so well, mainly because I hadn’t done enough self reflection and i didn’t really want what they were selling i.e. their job. I wasn’t clear on my expectations of them, and in one case, the communication style of the mentor was completely different from mine (poker face, cold) that I often left exchanges feeling worse i.e. not heard.

    You don’t want someone who agrees with everything you say and can’t provide an alternate point of view, but you also want to feel like their values and communication style is similar to yours – that you click.

    I recently decided I need a mentor outside of my new company, to help me deal with issues within my company (if and when they come up) because I felt a bit of distrust from my past within company mentorship (I.e. I should have disclosed less and been less honest).

    I also need a mentor who transitioned from corporate world to successful screenwriter and just last night did I realize I had a facebook friend (old colleague) with a similar edu background, that moved to LA to screenwrite from my city.

    When you zero in on what you want (i.e screenwriting) you’ll be surprised how much more you see those working at it around you or opportunities to learn/get involved. I wrote down on my goal list to find a mentor, and within a month I found one (although to be fair we haven’t started yet), in an unlikely place. I was going to cold call a local Writer’s Guild.

    And yes I will be sharing your post with him as a convo starter.

    • Love it. Definitely let me know how it goes sharing this with your mentor. I think one of the biggest things we need is to break that relationship open. How can we truly advise someone if everything isn’t out on the table? Sorry you had to learn that the hard way in your old job. Not fun!

      You might still want to cold call the Writer’s Guild. You could use it as one of your Everyday Courage challenges and kill two birds with one stone!

    • On
    • February 8, 2011 at 1:13 pm
    • Cara Stein
    • Said...

    Nice! I never really thought I needed a mentor until a few months ago, but I signed on with Jonathan Mead’s 6-month coaching program, and it’s amazing what a little direction can do! I guess I lucked into finding someone with the qualities on your list. Phew! :)

    • Nothing wrong with luck! In fact, you’re now responsible for connecting me to Jonathan too. You’re not just well mentored, you’re good at sharing. Wow! :)

  3. Yes, I guess the saying “The obvious choice, is not always the best choice” goes well here…

    I think a lot of people are under-rated for their skills. Nowadays it’s mostly PR that makes you a big deal. Look at music for example, the $#!% I see on MTV sometimes! You don’t have to be a good singer or artist to get platinum.

    I guess it’s like that with everything else. Being a big deal doesn’t necessarily mean you’re good at what you do.

    • Well said! Of course, there’s nothing saying that a celeb can’t be a good mentor either. But it’s no guarantee.

  4. Pingback: Tweets that mention Don’t Gamble With Your Career: How To Find The Right Mentor | Everyday Bright -- Topsy.com

  5. I agree on all of these points. I learned more from a quiet-but-respected poet with two chapbooks and a passion for translation (something that rarely leads to fame in the literary world) than I did from some of the “famous” writers who visited my college workshops throughout the years.

    The main reason was, she was willing to talk to me frankly about my plans for the future. Come to think of it, she may have been the only one, and I only had the luxury of her mentorship for a scant year or so– when I was 16 years old.

    I wonder about career mentorship. As a writer, I’m not sure who my mentor would be. I’ve often been in senior positions or subcontracted– meaning, outside the loop of any in-house development in an organization. On the few occasions I felt I was being mentored informally, the goal was ALWAYS retention. And let me say this: not only does this turn the mentor relationship into a power one, but it also makes the mentee more than a little disillusioned with your “help.” Wink wink.

    That peek behind the scenes is critical, too. If we all knew where we THOUGHT we were headed, perhaps there would be less dissatisfaction or career change? Just a thought!

    • Lindsey, I would think you could find all sorts of copywriting mentors. In fact, I’d encourage it. I’ve benefitted enormously from listening to folks like Jon Morrow, Leo Babauta, Sonia Simone and others.

      What’s great about the online community of copywriters is that they are mostly freelancers, so you get away from the retention mess. You might have to hire one at first, but good students tend to graduate to a different kind of relationship. So far all my peeking behind curtains in this business has been encouraging. Whew!

  6. Jen,
    This is a great post from a different standpoint as well. I plan to get into coaching in the near future, and these are all qualities that a good coach needs to have as well. It’s a great measuring stick for me to measure myself against!
    Thanks!
    Bernice
    Being productive in stressful times

    • Yes, this post is as much for mentors as it is for those trying to find one. And it should be pointed out that you never really get to a point where you don’t need a mentor anymore. The skills you are trying to develop may change, but anyone committed to personal growth will always need to seek out mentors. (That is another pet peeve of mine with formal programs, which sadly stop mentoring people when they sadly need it most.)

  7. Jen – this is a great post about how to identify a great mentor…I would love to see a follow up post on how to *find* a great mentor.

    I haven’t ever found anything close to a formal mentor. Certainly some people have acted as mentors with regard to specific goals for some period of time but it is surprisingly difficult to find someone who hits enough of the points you listed to legitimately fill the mentor role.

    There is a lot that could be said about how and where to search for mentors, how to move beyond casual advice and formalize the relationship, and how to give value back to a mentor – what are they looking for in the relationship?

    I think this is one of those topics for which the things that seem the most obvious are sometimes the biggest stumbling blocks…

    • Fair comment, Gregory. Some of the how to find is buried in there, but let me expand on it.

      The idea is to start with a goal. What do you want the mentor to do–teach you a skill? Provide big picture career navigation? Once you know that, you start asking people who they might recommend that fit your requirement. Say you’re looking to pursue a marketing career and need someone who can really teach you about the psychology of buyer behavior. You might not know someone directly, but that whole “6 degrees of separation” to anyone can get you there. The only way it works is to be as specific as possible as to who you’re looking for, and eventually you’ll get there by simply asking the people in your social network.

      Even easier would be to try asking a university professor in a slightly related field who they might recommend. I say slightly related, because if you ask in the field itself, egos and politics become involved. But say you asked someone in the English Dept, they might have good insight, though you might have to be more persistent.

      The downside to this approach is that it takes time. You don’t find a great mentor overnight, or maybe even in a year. But when you find a great mentor, I think it’s worth the wait.

      Value back to the mentor? I find most people are motivated by a sense of giving back to the community they came from. The single best thing you can do for a mentor is to follow their advice and shine. I’m not kidding. The vast majority of people you mentor never change or take much growth risk at all.

      I hope this helps a bit. I probably have enough to say on this topic to write another post or two. Stay tuned! And thanks for asking. These are good questions.

      • Thanks Jen, this is great advice. Your reply to Amy also suggests something that I have found to be a barrier – my job. You nailed it in your post by noting that most formal programs don’t accomplish all that much. Yet often we get so focused on short term goals that we don’t look outside our immediate context (our current job/company). At least, that has been part of my problem in the past…hopefully bigger goals point the way to better mentors ;)

        Thanks again
        Greg

        • Yes, I think bigger goals do point to better mentors. I like that actually. And I still owe you another post. Sheesh, I’m picking up a lot of work in this thread. LOL

    • On
    • February 9, 2011 at 10:22 am
    • Amy
    • Said...

    Jen, I’m a new reader and I want to say thank you for your insightful posts. This one is topical for me because I’m actively seeking a mentoring relationship. However it seems most mentoring is done within an organization and I’m currently unemployed so I don’t have this channel available. Do you or your readers have any tips or suggestions about finding a mentor while in between jobs?

    • See my note to Gregory. Being unemployed is actually a great time to find a mentor, because you not only have time to look for one through social networks, but it could also lead to a job! My suggestion is to develop a project of some sort in the area you’d like to work in, and then try to find people to help you develop it. One young woman I’m working with is applying for a scholarship, and then using that as a tool to ask specific questions of potential mentors. This is a low threat way to start the relationship. If they like the questions you ask, they might ask you where you work. Then you can ease into the “I’m actually looking for work at the moment, but I’m using this project to keep my skills sharp.” Seriously, I think you’d blow them away.

  9. Hi Jen – As usual, in agreement with everything you wrote. The only thing I would add here is that you may want to also look at “style”. The reason I say this is because I know when I was mentored by the CEO at Kaplan – I liked and could adapt his style; 99% of people could not. He’s a leader by charisma, sales skills, inspiration (whatever you choose to call it) and he has NO FEAR. Most people do not have the ‘guts’ to do things he said / did, but his “style” was such that he could do so. I realized that it made sense to have more than 1 mentor – and began working with both the CEO and COO – because there were other skill sets I needed and the ‘style’ of always being extraverted, and “big and bad” does not work on everyone. My COOs “style” was to talk numbers around people; hence, I learned to engage with sales people and marketers (CEO) and then analysts and operators as well. I think it’s important to recognize what your style is and what it can be before finding one’s to emulate.

    • Fantastic point, as usual. Love having your voice and ideas here!!

  10. I recently went through a coaching process which is different than a mentoring process. As far as #9-I found the most difficult thing was when they challenged me. When they kept at me and didn’t back off. (And btw, it worked although it was annoying and aggravating as hell at the time.)

    As far as #8, I just want to point out a personal pet peeve of mine that I recently developed. I don’t believe in the phrase constructive criticism. Criticisim is criticism. Yes, if you pair it with the word constructive you are taking it from a negative word halfway towards something positive.

    Why not use the word feedback. Feedback includes telling you what is working and what is not. Yet because it is feedback, the underlying assumption is that it is for your benefit, hence the more positive connotation. Feedback is with the eye on the future-where you envision the person being. What can you do to do things better in the future.Criticism, is because someone saw something wrong in what I did. It is about the past. Yes, add in constructive and it tacks on the future in a way though that in my eyes is less empowering.

    Sorry for this long answer btw.

    • It’s a fair point, Susie. I don’t personally have an issue with criticism, constructive or otherwise. I think there’s big benefits to developing a thick skin. But it may be that coming from a mentor, the term feedback sits better and creates the right tone for the relationship. I don’t deny that’s important.

      The real crux is that you find a way to talk about growth, whatever words you use.

      • I hear you.

        My view on the world is that I know I am not going to change everyone and their way of saying things and behaving. The point at least in my eyes is how certain words affect me personally. My comment was geared more that each of us would gain a lot of using a different word.

        I believe there is a tremendous meaning in which words we use, for ourselves more than for others. In the context of what I wrote, that would mean if I am giving feeback as opposed to criticism even constructive criticism, my starting point for my mindset is different, even when in both cases I come from a place of truly wanting to help the other person.

        I am letting the person know what worked and what didn’t, as objectively as I can and that starts with the initial words of feedback or criticism.

        I just wanted to clarify that.

        • No argument from a poet on the importance of words! :)

          It’s a good point–we should be aware that words carry different undercurrents for different people.

  11. Jen, you and Gregory touch on the biggest challenge in my mind of mentoring and that is the lack of formal structure that is effective. My first experience of having a formal mentor, I was given a mentor whom I least wanted of the panel. Talk about picking someone to teach you a lesson. We completed our obligations and I am not sure who wound the other one the most. What was great from the experience was the person I chose to adopt as my mentor, who is now a good friend, was very constructive in keeping me focused on the process rather than the personality clash I was stuck on, which is why I can’t say I did not learn anything from my formal mentor. Your points as to how to choose a mentor work for me and I am fortunate enough to have different mentors for different aspects of my personal requirements to get through life’s everyday stuff. None of it is formal and what is great is how they (the various mentors) slot into #8, #9, #10 making me trust the process of making yourself vulnerable in order to gain strength.

    • Last night I could hardly sleep because I really want to find a way to get the message out that most formal mentor programs stink. I’m thinking about trying to create a video that emcompasses these ideas but does it with humor. I don’t know. I just think we need to find a way to get this message to the upper management everywhere. It needs to be a TED talk. Because let’s face it, you can’t just go to your boss and say, “You know, the formal mentoring program just doesn’t work for me…” LOL

      So if you have ideas on how to spread the word, I’m all ears. I’m very passionate about this and happy to know I’m not alone on this!

      • It’s a tough one to crack, but I think with the evolution of business buying into Coaching that is about the individual, mentoring programs might also find their way to being for purpose of serving the individual rather than to look good for having a program. You may laugh at your comment, but if more people did get up and say “You know, the formal mentoring program just doesn’t work for me…”, and suggested a suitable alternative, it might work (I do know there will be casualties, but it would shift eventually). I think you would get the video right, and the humor approach is key, which is something you have in you I see. In highlighting what is not working you will stimulate people to think of a more effective solution.

        • Keep bugging me about this, Thabo. I think you’re right. This is terribly important. I should find a way, even if it’s not as slick as I would like. Putting this on my to-do list. I’ll be looking to you to hold me accountable. Thanks for the encouragement and inspiration!

    • On
    • February 10, 2011 at 9:35 am
    • Sean Cook
    • Said...

    Hi Jen, this is such a great post. It’s been a while since I stopped in to read, but this is so relevant to everyone, especially people early in their careers. A good read for anyone wanting to be a mentor, too. I find myself guilty of transgressing in several of these areas, so this was a good read for me, too.

    Definitely going to share!

    Sean

    • Thanks, Sean. Yes, I realized as I was writing it that the post should be helpful for those looking for a mentor, but hopefully those serving as a mentor as well. In fact, I wonder if the latter shouldn’t be the audience reading it more than the former. Good to see you back!

  13. Hi Jennifer,
    I had a mentor in the past, and even though he wasn’t such a good listener, I was, and I still managed to learn quite a bit from him.

    How would you go about finding a (quality) mentor outside company-sponsored mentoring programs?

    For the mentor I mentioned, I literally opened the phone book and asked if I could talk to him about his business.

    • Seth,
      First, I think that may be the best mentor story I’ve ever heard. The phone book! Congrats on having the courage to do that.

      I’d say follow the trail of people you admire–one of them will either know a good fit for you or can keep connecting you with good sources. You have know what you’re looking for and be able to describe your mythological mentor well enough to your social circle for this to work. But just keep asking people online and off who they might recommend. Ask to follow-up yourself so YOU can determine if the person would be a good fit without having to endure an awkward moment (nothing worse than a friend introducing you to a potential mentor you aren’t interested in–worse than a blind date!). It helps to have a question or project for these conversations to determine suitability.

      Hope that helps!

      • Jennifer, thanks for the wonderful response. Having a specific project would definitely be a good way to determine suitability.

  14. Pingback: 9 Smart Ideas For Getting a Business Mentor

  15. Pingback: The Stumbling Search for a Mentor | Teri Guill - Life on the Cusp