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The first time it happened to me, I started getting sick to my stomach every time I walked through the office door.

There was the bickering and finger pointing when a group project failed to meet its goals.  Or the time co-workers waged a debate over email, copying everyone in the office in hopes of getting people to choose sides.

And let’s not forget the gossip, the endless gossip, which bruises egos and feeds the cycle to start once again.

In the best organizations, truly dramatic events are few and far between. But repeated low-level drama is damaging in its own right and recovering from it, whether you’re the supposed victim, persecutor, or rescuer, isn’t always easy.  The after-effects linger and performance suffers.  Trust takes a beating across the board, even between members who weren’t involved.

And if you’re in a truly toxic environment?  You’re probably crying yourself to sleep, wondering how to preserve your sanity.  Hey, I’ve been there too.

No matter what your situation, drama in the workplace wears you down.  And it’s time we put an end to it.

Today, I’m sharing an interview with organizational psychologist Dr. Robyn Odegaard, who wrote the book Stop the Drama! The Ultimate Guide to Female Teams.  While her specialization is working with female athletes, she has some wonderful advice on how you can reduce the drama at your place of work, no matter what your role in the organization is.

Stop the drama now

 

(if you can’t see the video above, click to watch it on YouTube)

Have a problem with drama in the workplace that you’d like Doc Robyn’s help on?  Leave it in the comments below and she’ll give you some advice–for free.

Want more great tips from Doc Robyn on how to stop the drama, maybe geared towards communicating with your kids or romantic partner?  Follow her blog or stop by her Facebook page for a host of good tips!

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25 Responses to Stop the Drama

    • On
    • November 15, 2011 at 1:38 pm
    • barbara
    • Said...

    Jen this interview was so good. I only wish this kind of coaching and discussion had been around when I was in the world or corporate hell.

    I love that Robyn’s advice and approach are completely appropriate in personal relationships as well.
    Thanks for sharing this!
    b

      • On
      • November 15, 2011 at 2:26 pm
      • Doc Robyn
      • Said...

      Thanks Barbara – I believe effective communication and productive conflict are keys to all success; work, play, home and life.
      I couldn’t agree more about wishing someone had taught me this stuff when I first entered the work world!

  2. Wow, the description of such a toxic work environment reminds me of middle school.

    I was lucky: the one and only office I ever worked in was AWESOME. Now that I work from home (alone all day), I miss it.

    • Yes, it often feels exactly that way when you’re in the middle of it. I should say that I’ve worked in some wonderful places too, though they were not drama free. I think it depends a lot on the size of an organization too. The bigger you get, the harder it is to control.

      But don’t be lonely, even if you have to reach out to your virtual friends! Then again, I am an introvert…lol

  3. Hi Jen, always lovely to see you on video though in person would be better:) I worked for a toxic boss in Paris. She owned the magazine and we editors, writers and designers were her minions. The whole team was toxic. No one stayed long – I managed about 6 months. Guess what? The magazine ended up folding:) Go figure!

    • I’m a little dark in this video, but it was fun nonetheless. I’m still working out electrical outlet issues in our new flat. :)

      I’m actually surprised you lasted six months! One of the things I love about you is your spunk and grit. That lady got lucky!

    • On
    • November 16, 2011 at 9:06 am
    • Linda
    • Said...

    Hey Jen and Doc Robyn–

    I love this advice! I agree Jen, this information is beneficial across many settings.

    My initial reaction was a memory of the gut-wretching year I spent working as a psychiatric social worker at an inner-city middle school in Los Angeles. Let’s just say, it wasn’t the 6-8 graders acting out that was bothersome, but their adult counterparts in the counseling office with the same developmental issues. And sadly, the colleagues were female. I honestly had not experienced the vicious gossip and undermining since, well, middle school. I can’t recall how many hours I spent consoling the adult victims of bullying. I

    “You can never observe why.” That is classic. It’s so true, when we don’t know, we enter supposition territory (which is usually inaccurate). I wonder if we avoid asking someone why because our versions are more interesting/tawdry?

    Great stuff. Will be checking myself at the No Gossip Express as I enter work today, and hopefully every day. The world has enough toxicity.

    Thank you for a wonderful, inspiring interview. And Jen, it’s nice to put a lovely face and voice to your name :) .

    • On
    • November 16, 2011 at 10:20 am
    • Doc Robyn
    • Said...

    Hi Linda -

    I had the misfortune (at the time) to work in several drama filled work environments. But now it gives me lots of experience to pull from to Stop The Drama! At least it can serve as a bad example.

    I think we stop asking why because we are taught not to as children and it becomes a habit to make it up instead. Most people don’t even realize they are doing it until I point it out. Fortunately, it is something each of us has the power to control if we decide to do so.

    • On
    • November 16, 2011 at 8:15 pm
    • Tina
    • Said...

    That is great! I work in retail and let me tell you… SO MUCH Drama! Gossip, backstabbing, bickering, etc… Thank you for sharing! :)

      • On
      • November 17, 2011 at 8:59 am
      • Doc Robyn
      • Said...

      Tina –

      You are not alone! Since I started paying attention to drama I have noticed it everywhere; restaurants, hotels, stores, schools – it is really awful. Hence my campaign to Stop The Drama!

      I hope the ideas we provided are helpful. Thanks for being part of the solution!

  7. First, Jen, I think your lead-in to the interview was excellent. A great way to set the stage for the conversation you had.

    Second, I thought it was a good interview and Doc Robyn made important points. That being said, I also found myself questioning whether things will ever change. Over two decades ago I was teaching what Doc Robyn says to people in corporations and it wasn’t new then. The “I” statement is fundamental in communication and to think it still needs to be emphasized and written about is disappointing. Obviously, the message wasn’t received or well-spread two generations ago. Hopefully with her book and interviews like this, all her points will catch on now.
    Third, I disagree about girls’ and women’s sports teams. They are beneficial for teaching a common purpose and I’ve seen it happen many times. As long as the stereotypes and generalizations about men and women continue, we are hurting ourselves. I had two sons and I saw much garbage and politics and drama in little league etc. Many of the boys and men (coaches) did not just push and shove and then move ahead as a united front. Now I’ll stop my gender soapbox. Cherry

    • Cherry,
      As always, I love your willingness to step up and say what needs to be said. To your second point, I think as a mother of sons, your insight is really valuable. Did you find the boys held grudges about the behavior? In a conversation with one of my dearest mentors (a man) when I was dealing with some workplace drama (another woman), he told me to just let it go. His belief was that women worried about it the incident (even if they didn’t hold a grudge) for too long. Someone did you wrong or pissed you off? Oh well. Move on and focus on the work, not the person. I saw him do it many times, but admit it’s still hard for me (though I do try and I think Robyn’s idea of “not witnessing the why” really helps). So hey, get back on that gender soapbox and tell us more!

      As to your first point, I agree. This isn’t a new problem, and humanity is always human (i.e. you can’t eliminate drama). But I do think we can tone it down, and reduce it’s frequency through better communication if we’re willing. I think someone else told me you have to ask yourself, “Are you benefitting from the drama?” Some people like to have something to talk about, or like attention, even if it’s negative. Or maybe they have a victim image of themselves, and need the drama to keep that image alive.

      As always, you ask great questions!

        • On
        • November 19, 2011 at 10:42 am
        • Linda
        • Said...

        Interesting points by Cherry.

        Re: your friend and the workplace drama with his female colleague, he may choose to “let it go,” in the name of keeping peace and upholding productivity, but those feelings go somewhere…I’ve seen too many men who hide behind the guise of the “cool, calm and colletcted” type, but experience depression, nonetheless.

        I completely agree with Cherry re: toxicity in male youth sports. Though her boys grew up in a different era, there is still rampant abuse from the parents. It’s appalling. I have a colleage who holds anger management groups for adults, and the majority of her caseload are white collar types mandated for treatment b/c of out-of-control antics on youth sports playing fields.

        I don’t think female sports tolerates such rampant abuse. Drama comes in many forms, and silent drama is no less damaging. For the “strong, silent” men who continue to “let it go,” I have two words: Jerry Sandusky.

        • Yes, the anger parents bring to the supposed “fields of friendly strife” (i.e. sports) is really, well, shocking. And I agree, that anger comes from somewhere. I don’t think it’s just that today’s parents have lost their sensibility about sports, but that stress from bad jobs bleeds over. Now wouldn’t that be something–we get more people to take No Regrets Career Academy and as a side benefit, we can go back to just enjoying our children’s sports as a pastime!

    • On
    • November 17, 2011 at 7:00 pm
    • Tammy
    • Said...

    Hi Jen, great post. For those of us who have had to endure the corporate world, this was awesome. I worked as a practice manager in a doctor’s office for 3 years. The longest 3 years of my life! Handling 3 docs and 130 patients a day was nothing compared to handling the drama that went on with the staff. The mention of lava dust is a great metaphor for how it touches everything and flows out to everyone. Thankfully I work from home now(a starving writer), speak somewhat regularly and enjoy a work environment where I coexist with 2 cats and a dog. They are, by the way, perfect co-workers. No drama! I would love to have this info and insight years ago. And you’re right…this advice works for ALL relationships. Thanks for sharing!

    • Oh, I can imagine! My mom was a nurse. She got along really well with most of the staff, but there were a few stories that made even my teenage eyes go wide. On the other hand, as a cat lover my whole life, I can’t believe they’re not supplying their own version of drama. One of mine like to try to bite the power cord to my Macbook (I think they coat the cord in catnip) and the other rides around on the back of my chair like it’s an amusement ride. My husband always wonders how I get anything done, much less videos! :)

    • On
    • November 18, 2011 at 8:07 pm
    • Tammy
    • Said...

    Jen, you’re SO right. In our house it’s hard to find toilet paper that is not in shreds (we hide a roll) and my computer keyboard is constantly covered in (you guessed it) cat hair. No question, there is lots of cat drama on a daily basis. There is no question who is the boss of us. I’ll take it! Enjoy your posts. Jon sent me over. As always, he was right.

    • Thanks, Tammy. I’m a huge fan of Jon obviously. Glad to have you here!

  10. Thanks for a great interview!
    I agree with Cherry and Linda that drama comes in many forms. Stonewalling and refusing to talk about an issues is one of the complains women have in relationships.
    Unfortunately we still have to teach effective communications strategies. In my work with couples we take a good look at the ineffective behaviors each partner use to cope and I have never seen a couples that didn’t share the “blame”.

    • Exactly right, Irene. It’s so easy to point the finger at everyone besides yourself, but the blame for drama is always shared, even if not equally. Thanks for that great addition!

    • On
    • November 25, 2011 at 5:39 pm
    • Lea B.
    • Said...

    This is good. I wish I could get my coworkers to consider. They love the drama. For some of them it seems like a way of life, for others it’s entertainment but either way they feed right into it.

    • I think that’s true. Some people do feed on the drama, though I think often not for the reasons we believe. As Doc Robyn says, we can never observe the why!

    • On
    • November 28, 2011 at 11:24 am
    • Doc Robyn
    • Said...

    Hi Jen -

    I just had a chance to catch up on all the great comments. I totally agree with the posters who say that drama happens on boys teams too! My point certainly isn’t that how men engage in conflict is great, only that it is the same in the work world.

    Additionally, I agree that girl’s sports teams are beneficial. I also absolutely believe we are missing a huge opportunity by not providing them with effective communication and productive conflict skills in that environment.

    Keep up the great work! I love that your community is willing to step up and disagree. If we aren’t talking about the problem we aren’t solving it!

  13. This is the S.B.I. formula I’ve heard.

    Situation. Behavior. Impact.

    Situation is describing the environment when the behavior happened. Impact is an I statement – I felt…

    When we were in the office, you crossed your arms and said xyz, I felt belittled.

    • Oh, I like that. Always handy to have an acronym!