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When you were younger, you thought you could do almost anything.

You imagined not just becoming a doctor, but curing cancer.  You didn’t just day-dream about starting a business, but creating inventions that solved big problems.  You didn’t just see yourself as a poet, but the bard who reignited modern culture’s interest in verse.  (Okay, maybe that last one was just me.)

Over time, you reset your expectations of the possible.  Why?

First, friends and family urged you to be “realistic.”  Then the self-doubt crept in.  You became more cautious while also raising your standards.

After all, if you’re going to do something amazing, you have to be amazing, don’t you?

Finally, you realized the whole thing was taking a lot longer than you’d thought it would.  You were tired and your motivation was quickly sapping.

Finally you told yourself: who needs those silly dreams anyway?

When I put together the self-study version of my No Regrets Career Academy last year, I tried to answer all the questions about how to choose a career that I could conceive of in the material itself.

But the most common question I got back wasn’t about how to choose a new career at all.  What most people wanted to know was: how can I stay motivated to keep going on my quest?

In trying to answer one of the most important questions of their lives, too many wanted to just give up.

The problems that caused them to give up on their dream careers the first time were the same issues that caused them to quit the second, third, or fourth time around.  The problem wasn’t that they couldn’t dream big (though that got harder each time they gave up), but that they couldn’t sustain their efforts on a project that felt so huge.

In this post, I discuss the simple solution that’s helping my clients get over the hump, so to speak.  And why I realized I needed a dose of my own medicine.

The surprising reason we quit

In trying to help my clients when they felt overwhelmed and inadequate, the answer seemed obvious: you need to create incremental rewards.

You must take the time to celebrate your small successes, your insights and a-ha moments, not just the end result.

You can’t put the only prize at the end of a very long journey and expect that will be enough.  It would be like asking yourself to cross a desert without a glass of water, with the promise of a lake at the other end.  At some point, you’ll say, “Screw the lake, just take away the pain of this parched throat … now!”

But as an ordinary human (and fellow over-achiever, as many of my clients are), I realized I made the same mistake, just with other endeavors and journeys.

If it hasn’t been obvious from my posts, I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster the last couple of months.  Instead of celebrating my successes, I’ve used them to propel me further and faster.

Sounds great, and there were times my happiness soared.  But riding what felt like momentum came with a cost, one that threatened to dissolve everything I’d built as well as my entrepreneurial self-confidence.

When you’re tired and anxious and feel like giving up, it’s easy to ask: what’s wrong with me?  Am I on the wrong path?

The relationship between success and celebration

This week I turned 40.  Last week, Everyday Bright turned 2.

There’s nothing particularly notable about turning 40 as opposed to 39, or a blog turning anything beyond the first 6 months, but it did feel like an important milestone.  Instead of continuing to ask what was wrong, I used the turning point to ask: what am I doing right?

I realized I’ve done so many things that, just a few short years ago, seemed impossible or at the least, overly optimistic.

  • I’m living overseas in Europe, probably the biggest item on my life’s bucket list
  • My business turned profitable in less than a year, despite a massive investment (too much really) in education and training
  • I’ve built a community of people I love to interact with here on Everyday Bright
  • I spend far more quality time with my daughter (around 15 more hours every week, plus 14 weeks of vacation a year)
  • Recently, I made key friendships a priority, making time for friends near and far instead of always giving in to my introverted, workaholic nature

I succeed at resetting my potential and my view of what was possible.

What was wrong was that I failed to pause and enjoy it.  I hardly ever took time to look back and say to myself, “Wow, look at how far I’ve come!  What a view!”

Part of the problem, at least in my mind, is that the word “celebration” seems to imply more work in addition to the reward.  I have to plan something or save some money to pay for the treat.  And when I’m already busy, the last thing I want is more work.

As I’m trying to teach myself (and my clients), a simple celebration is nearly always better than a complicated one.

  • Instead of planning a huge birthday party for all my friends, I’m having our personal chef make one of my favorite meals and a cake for the family
  • Instead of buying something that feels good in the short term but just adds to the clutter, I’m buying books on my Kindle (and giving myself the time to read them)
  • Instead of keeping myself up with worry by repeating “There’s more that needs doing,” I’m rewarding a day’s work with a good night’s sleep

These are small things that deliver bigger impacts to your quality of life … and work.

When you’re busy, it’s tempting to forget about the celebration and move on to working on the next accomplishment.  But that would be a huge mistake.

We like to say “life is a celebration,” but that’s only true if we make time for it, on our calendars and in our hearts.

I have to be very deliberate about my revelry.  I realized I take pride in telling people how hard I work and how busy I am–probably a hold over from a long career in corporate, where such traits are prized.

Turns out, I’d be a lot better off taking and talking about my celebrations.  People get tired of hearing how tired you are.  And the more you hear yourself say how tired you are, the more you’ll feel it.

I said in my post Is Self-Improvement Ruining Your Life that I was going to embrace my over-achiever nature instead of fighting it.

That meant I had to see taking time to celebrate as a mechanism to achieve.  And that’s not hard to do.

Over the last few months, I’ve learned if you continually short change your celebration, you’ll eventually hamstring your accomplishment.

I’m not giving up.

Instead, I’m going to nurture my potential by cultivating the habit of pause and reflection, by taking the time to enjoy those accomplishments as they’re happening.

Which means sometimes a post will be a day late, so I can celebrate 40 years of good living with a fancy dinner out and a classic West End show.

And if I’ve done my celebrating right, when I come back to work, I’ll feel energized, ready to chase my dreams, and darn lucky to have the opportunity to do so.

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56 Responses to How to Stay Motivated When You Feel Like Giving Up

    • On
    • February 22, 2012 at 8:19 am
    • KathyF
    • Said...

    What a fantastic post! I definitely need to take this advice myself. Recently, after achieving a lifelong goal, I immediately started worrying about the next one, and doubting my ability to achieve it.

    Here’s to success, one baby step at a time! (And to forty years! Congratulations!)

    • A little birdie told me about your achievement–congrats!!! I sometimes think that the bigger the goal that’s achieved, the more likely we are to suffer from doubt and anxiety afterwards. Which shouldn’t ever dissuade you from dreaming big, but it is good to know it’s coming.

    • On
    • February 22, 2012 at 9:53 am
    • Emerson
    • Said...

    Inspiring post. I’ll re-read it again each of the next days, cause those are the words I was looking for. :)

    • So glad to hear it, Emerson. That’s why I write, to give people the words they need just at the right time. :)

    • On
    • February 22, 2012 at 10:09 am
    • Yongho
    • Said...

    What you wrote in the first third of this post is almost word-for-word EXACTLY what happened to me, almost spooky how you got it right on!

    And what you said about having small celebrations vs one big one is something that helped me tremendously in quite a few areas of my life. For example, now when I work, I deliberately schedule in breaks to cool off my brain, whereas before I thought that was being lazy, and it was possible to truck on through for the whole day.

    (“The Power of Full Engagement” by Tony Schwartz helped a lot, if you’re interested in this topic)

    • Yongho,
      Interesting! Well, since we first connected I felt we had a lot in common, so maybe we shouldn’t be so surprised. Will definitely look up the book!

  4. Great post Jen, and a great reminder – thank you.

    A completely different approach to the same problem is to have dreams so huge that there’s no expectation of ever reaching them – and equally no anxiety of falling short.

    In that way, progress along the path is all that’s left to celebrate.

    Not my wisdom, but wise man Roy Williams quoting Wes Jackson – Smithsonian Magazine “Innovators of Our Time.” http://tinyurl.com/7tmn6kh

    “If your life’s work can be accomplished in your lifetime, you’re not thinking big enough.”

    Of course, I have no idea what my life’s work is – but remembering this helps me to dare to think a little bigger than I might otherwise do.

    • That’s an interesting perspective, and I’m still trying to decide what I think about it. I agree, that in some ways it should be easier, because as you say, “progress is all there is.” But I wonder if this isn’t also a difference in personality types? I really prefer to see the fruits of my labor. But I know for others, they prefer to work on something “bigger than themselves” as the saying goes. I dunno. You’ve given me something to ponder, which will no doubt incubate and result in a new post at some point. So…thanks!! :)

  5. Happy Birthday to YOU, Jen!!! :)

    Also – have you been reading my journal?! Seriously, this post is exactly what I needed today. I’ve been struggling with being where I am and seeing how much farther I want to go…because I’m not appreciating how far I’ve come. I’m in a season of transition, and it can feel uncomfortable at times.

    And you hit on the exact deterrent- the thought of celebrating seems like more work (and yet another thing to strive for). And that IS hindering my progress. Thank you for the reminder to keep celebrations simple, because then they may actually happen!

    • LOL. I haven’t been reading your journal, but we have a lot in common too, so again, maybe no surprise. As we chemists say, like attracts like!

    • On
    • February 22, 2012 at 11:18 am
    • Nikki
    • Said...

    Well said, Jen – and a very happy 40th birthday to you, too!

    I get what you mean about feeling like a ‘noughtie’ birthday is a milestone and there needs to be a shift in ourselves towards something better.

    And yes, yes, yes! To rewarding ourselves along the way, to savoring even our smallest successes, to building on the good stuff.

    Thanks, Jen – and here’s to a year of profit and celebration in 2012!

    • Thanks for the birthday wishes, Nikki. It’s funny. I haven’t been this excited about a birthday in decades! (And I love calling it “noughtie,” esp. with the very prevalent use of “naughty” here in the UK…cracked me up!)

        • On
        • February 23, 2012 at 3:18 pm
        • Nikki
        • Said...

        I’ve tried to tone down my potty mouth since I moved Stateside, but sometimes it creeps through ;)

    • On
    • February 22, 2012 at 11:21 am
    • Stacey
    • Said...

    Happy Birthday, Jen!!

    You and your blog have been a constant source of guidance, support and inspiration!!

    I’m so glad we get to celebrate you and all of your accomplishments.

    Thank you for encouraging us to celebrate the small and the big mileposts on the path to our dreams.

    • Thanks so much, Stacey. I’m so grateful to have you and the rest of the luminaries to celebrate with too. The community aspect of blogging still just blows me away. :)

    • On
    • February 22, 2012 at 11:26 am
    • TM
    • Said...

    Great post, Jen! It seems that over-achievers (I’m with you!) have such high expectations for themselves — and others — that achieving something great is met with a feeling if ‘of course I should have accomplished that’, rather than a celebration of the feat. How many times did we achieve a high mark in school and wonder why we didn’t achieve perfection instead??

    • Yes, that’s exactly it, isn’t it? I hadn’t quite pulled out everything that little voice was saying in my head, but you’re right. One thing where I think I’m different from many over-achievers is that once some project is over, I’m totally okay with not achieving perfection–it’s just in the moments leading up to culmination that I fret and agonize. I remember getting my first C in college in Spanish. Not a proud moment, but not nearly as embarrassing or upsetting as realizing the reason for the poor grade was falling asleep in every class, head flung back and mouth open wide. :0~

    • On
    • February 22, 2012 at 11:29 am
    • Liz Cezat
    • Said...

    Good advice Jen … celebrate the steps taken toward the achievement as well as the achievement. Great analogy about crossing the desert and needing a glass of water. Just want to add some things that I learned from my coach: keep moving in the direction you want to be going, and put your needs out there and let others help you meet those needs (but first you’ve got to ask for the sale, the mentor, the referral, whatever). I’ve noticed that when I can use my skill set to earn a living, I’m very happy and satisfied. Honor your skill set and plug it into the needs of society, the business world, and even your immediate community. Motivation often keeps you going when you’re doing something you enjoy.

    • Great points, Liz. I’m not terrific at asking for help–always feels like whining, even when I rationally know that I love helping others and never interpret it that way when the situation is reversed. I’m with you on finding satisfaction in the work itself–I love what I do with all my heart. But motivation can wane when you’re tired or pushing yourself too hard. I think this is something the “happy” people don’t talk about openly enough.

  10. One of the biggest changes I’ve made in my reinvention journey is allowing things to take as much time as they need to happen. And, enjoying the unfolding process as it happens.

    Removes a helluva lot of self-created stress about how I think or want things to happen, and gives me the space to enjoy those small moments of celebration as they happen, often daily.

    Some would call this being present; others call it mindfulness. Whatever. It works.

    Congrats on the milestones. Even more congrats on the decisions to celebrate differently and more meaningfully.

    • Yes, Marsha. That’s wise. The stress is absolutely self-created. I know it, but up until now, have been unsuccessful at preventing it. So for now, I celebrate my celebrations. Ha!

    • On
    • February 22, 2012 at 2:26 pm
    • barbara
    • Said...

    Happy Birthday my friend! Forty was one of my faves and I’ve said many times every decade just gets better. Probably because when we reach forty the wisdom you wrote in this post starts to make sense.
    I believe the best life lessons are learned by living. It starts with wanting it all and somewhere along the line you begin to realize you really do have it all… or at least all that matters.
    Celebrate away! You’ve earned it.
    xob

    • Thanks, Barbara. I think you’re right. I feel like the wisdom comes much more quickly these days. Being young was fun I guess, but I should made a lot of stupid mistakes (all of which I get the benefit of now, so thanks younger self!)

  12. Hey Jen – Happy Birthday! sounds fantastic! living in Europe and being able to have enuf time to enjoy it! Have fun!

    • Yes! My daughter has been on holiday this week, and we’ve been doing one great trip after another: Windsor Castle, London Eye today. I don’t think I’d be satisfied doing that every day of the week, but it’s sure fun to have time now and then (and not feel guilty about it).

  13. You know once I heard something that stuck to my head – when it’s all said and done – will we ever say I wish I had given more time to the office when we’re laying there on our death bed?

    I know that answer is absolutely NOT – glad you actually lived on your 40th birthday –

    Nancy

    • Oh well, I dunno. I think that saying probably came from someone who didn’t love their work, who wasn’t nourished and fulfilled by it. I think if I’m successful in helping people find the work they love and makes them feel successful (not just look it), I’m not sure that statement will be as true as we think it is. I believe our relationships are important, don’t get me wrong, but so is our relationship with our work, which is too often neglected.

    • On
    • February 22, 2012 at 4:32 pm
    • Maud
    • Said...

    And the Universe of Jen Fans chorused,
    *<|:-) Happy New Jen Year/Decade! *<|;-)

    • Yay, Maud! Thank you for popping in to wish me a happy birthday. Means a lot to me.

  15. Happy birthday Jen! It sounds like you are going to have a great birthday:)What’s the chef cooking?!

    What you’re doing is just right. I find if I’m getting fed up with doing something the best way is to stop then come back with renewed vigor days/weeks or even months later:)

    It’s not a sprint is it?!

    • I learn so much from you, Annabel. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I do believe we were meant to find and support each other in this blogging universe. “It is not a sprint.” I really use pin that above my desk. Thanks, my friend!!

      P.S. Chef is cooking a bean and barley risotto with bitter greens. Probably doesn’t sound as amazing as it is. And of course cake.

  16. Hi Jen,

    Happy Birthday! I just LOVE this post – thank you! We (myself top of this list), place such high expectations on ourselves. Lately I keep waging this internal battle between feeling proud of my small victories (which I do say is what life is about), and feeling that I’m never doing quite enough. I keep reminding my self that I am, right now in this moment, absolutely enough. I’ve always been enough, and I always will. But if I keep on worrying about all the things I’m not doing, or not completing fast enough, I’m simply robbing my self out of enjoyment and peace for today.

    Most days I feel like I’m a see-saw on this subject, so thanks for sharing!

    • Yes, it’s that see-saw that I wanted to capture and admit to. I wish more of us talked about it. I’m watching my clients in the forum section of the course really find support in seeing they aren’t alone in their fears and hang-ups. I’d like for this blog to do much the same thing for over-acheivers in general when it comes to work related issues. Or maybe I need to start a new blog? Or write a book? Oh no, did I just come up with a new project???!! lol

    • On
    • February 22, 2012 at 8:01 pm
    • Marta DeGraw
    • Said...

    Happy Birthdays (yes, plural), Jen!! I love your comments about celebrating; that’s something I don’t do nearly often enough! Thank you for the reminder and for connecting this to motivation. They are SO closely connected.

    Cheers, and enjoy your celebrations. :)

    • Thanks, Marta. I celebrate you and Caroline coming into my life and my business all the time! :)

    • On
    • February 23, 2012 at 5:23 am
    • veehcirra
    • Said...

    Very inspiring Jen. I do celebrate my milestones no matter how small they maybe. It’s a great motivation:)I am happy even when I manage to wake up a few minutes earlier than usual. And I do love to treat myself. Sometimes I think it’s only the next treat and celebration keeps me going.

    Veeh

    • Funny, it sounds bad to say that the next treat is what keeps you going, but I hadn’t realized how true (and powerful) it is. Intrinsic motivation is great and I think we all need more of it. But I think it doesn’t have the stamina we need in a big project. Ooooo, maybe that’s an insight I need to write down. Thanks!

  19. Hi Jen,

    I love the idea of incremental rewards, and this is certainly something I need to do more of.

    “Recently, I made key friendships a priority, making time for friends near and far instead of always giving in to my introverted, workaholic nature”
    –Trying to do the same.

    I’ve learned to focus more on the things I love to do. Work can be the reward. But, I do need to take time to pause and enjoy. My problem in the past was, I thought if I accomplished something I could take a break, … a long break, but the pro’s train doesn’t stop, right? So, I’ll celebrate, but only when I really have a reason to and make sure I get back to work, ’cause like you, I have that introverted workaholic in me. :)

    Thanks, Jen!

    • Craig,
      Yes, doing more of whatever you feel like is good, but my problem is that following that adage alone drives me into the ground. My personality type is very intense when I’m doing work I enjoy. It’s both a benefit and a curse. My husband usually labels it the latter when he’s trying to talk to me while I’m working on something. LOL

      • “It’s both a benefit and a curse” –Good point, and I can certainly relate :)

    • On
    • February 23, 2012 at 3:27 pm
    • Kim Radatz
    • Said...

    Number 1-you rock!
    Number 2-Happy Birthdays! Tis true, much of the best is yet to come.

    Perfect post. Perfect timing. Thank you.

    • Thanks, Kim. I agree that the best is yet to come. It certainly keeps getting better!

    • On
    • February 23, 2012 at 4:54 pm
    • Lorna
    • Said...

    Thanks for the reminder the celebrate the small things along the way…I need to do that more often:) Great timing ….thanks!
    p.s. Happy Birthday!

    • Thanks, Lorna! As you can see, we all need that reminder!

    • On
    • February 24, 2012 at 1:42 am
    • Shaleen
    • Said...

    Yee-Hah to this post Jen!
    How many of us are literally addicted to DO DO DO! When we DO well, we feel like we could DO better. When we don’t DO as well as we’d like to, we DO more and DO it harder! How much sense does that make…really? It’s in the space between the activities that we most often have the ‘Aha’s', the insights, the epiphany…. or perhaps just as importantly, we have the chance to simply BE.
    P.S. Happy Birthday to you and to Everyday Bright too:-) I hope the dinner with your family was a wonderful celebration.x
    Happy Birthday to you and to Everyday Bright:-)

    • You’re right, it doesn’t make any sense it all when you write it out, but somehow when you’re in the middle of it, it feels like the only reasonable course of action. Another benefit of taking some time to really observe and decide–I want more a-ha’s! :)

      Thanks for the birthday wishes!

    • On
    • February 25, 2012 at 12:28 am
    • Indira Kumar
    • Said...

    Hello Jennifer.That was a great post!Enjoyed every bit of it because it was like listening to myself.Until very recently I never congratulated myself or celebrated even my big successes.I kept believing that my achievements were ordinary and that there are others out there who’ve done much more and much better.Now I celebrate even the teeniest weeniest of my achievements and it feels so good.Thanks once again.

    • I obviously have a long way to go when it comes to recognizing my smaller accomplishments, but I think I’m making progress, starting with this post. Glad to have the support of a community who understands, and we can cheer each other on. :)

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  25. You’re so, so right about celebrating the little achievements! I try to set little goals for myself on my way to the big ones, like making it to 10,000 blog views or getting X number of views on my favorite post.

    I also keep a list of things I’ve done that I’m proud of. I make myself add to the bottom of it every time so I’m forced to scroll through and relive the little successes. I’ve been slacking on that lately… should remedy that.

    Happy 40th! Thanks for some fantastic advice. :)

    • Keeping a list is a good idea. I might try that, although it goes a bit back to the idea of the reward also making work. I’ve been wanting to keep a journal of funny things my daughter says for nearly 4 years, with the idea I’d just write down one or two sentences a day, but haven’t done it yet!

      Thanks for the birthday wishes!

  26. Hi Jen

    Great points you make, even when we’re living our passion it’s a good idea to ‘pause and enjoy’. Have to remind myself of this constantly, to enjoy every moment. It’s all so exciting we want to do it all NOW! And overwhelm doesn’t feel so good. Glad its not just me!
    Cheers for now

    • Yes, the “do it NOW” philosophy is part of my make-up too. I’m hoping this post holds me accountable to slowing down and enjoying it!

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  28. Happy birthday Jen! Turning 40 is a big day!
    I moved to the states when I was 39 and remember turning 40 shortly after. What a roller coaster of emotions, anxieties and expectations.
    A question to you. What do you think happens to our dreams when we grow older?

    Hope you are having fun over there!

    • On
    • May 2, 2013 at 7:29 am
    • DINO
    • Said...

    Here I am bringing in a new fleet of helicopters, frustrated as hell because of documentation errors and poor planning and other people think I have the coolest job. Looking back, this the third new fleet of aircraft i have been involved in. It is amazing the travels that have been presented to me being in aviation my entire professional career and I am complaining about paper? What’s wrong with me? After reading your article and reframing my thoughts, nothing. Just have to remember and celebrate the small victories as well as the final accomplishments.