As I was coming down off the high from attending Chris Guillebeau’s Unconventional Book Tour in Birmingham, Alabama, I knew I needed something to keep me awake on the road. So I turned to a local classic rock station and let my mind wander ahead of me.
Granted, it was still swimming with all the unconventional ideas Chris’ session had inspired. But when The Rolling Stones came on, I couldn’t help but think, these guys are geniuses.
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
This is such a double-edged sword.
One the one hand, this one little phrase can be such a dream killer. It’s the way “practical” people end the conversation when you start imagining a different and better life for yourself. This is a big part of Chris’ message. You might say to a co-worker, “I just wish I could work from the beach instead of this rat hole,” and what do you think your co-worker is going to say? You can’t always get what you want. Seriously, you don’t have to listen to that.
On the other hand, we all occasionally need a dose of reality. I like to use this line on my daughter when she cries for candy for breakfast. Sometimes I have to use it on myself too. Like when I realize that fertility isn’t a test you can study for and ace the following month. I’m trying everything I can, but I’ve also made peace with the idea I may only ever have one kid I have to ply with strawberries in the morning.
The real challenge is to know when you’re copping out and when you’re being mature.
But If You Try Sometimes…
A friend of mine who’s having trouble in his job search recently asked me, “How do I get confidence like yours? Were you born with it or is it something one can develop?”
I really didn’t know the answer. What usually sets me apart is my enthusiasm and optimism. This really isn’t the same thing as confidence, though it may appear that way from the outside. I’ve made sure the right people liked my work, and figured the rest would work itself out.
But what if your goal doesn’t “just work out”? Do you hit the reset button or keep trying to win someone over on a goal you haven’t yet shared?
Lately I’ve been going for the bold and building confidence with small successes. For example, when I learned Darren Rowse from Problogger was having a private party at BlogWorld I really wanted to attend, I just sent him an email asking if I could go. Darren doesn’t really know me, so I actually expected him to ignore the email. But he didn’t, and more importantly, he said yes (he’s also an incredibly nice guy, so it was an easy start).
Then I tried for more ambitious goals. I asked for interviews with blogging “celebrities,” I pitched an idea for a guest post with someone who says no nearly 90% of the time (and happens to be one of my idols). Even now, as I’m writing this, I think my fear sounds so silly. I can just hear people saying, why in the world were you afraid to ask for those things?
Guess what. We’d say the same thing about your fears.
You Get What You Need
I’m a poet, so I’m a real stickler for word choice. Notice they didn’t say you’d get what you want, but what you need.
This is a really important point because most of us have no idea what we want, much less what we need to be happy. Lottery winners are miserable, starlets who meet with success can’t stand the attention they once yearned for.
When I look at the goal lists that many people produce, they are full of ambitious and impressive feats. Someone might want to run a 4 minute mile, others like Chris might want to visit every country in the world by a certain age. Personally, I really want to be a guest on The Colbert Report.
Scott Young recently wrote a fabulous blog post about mentally separating our ambitions from our essential needs, which in most cases are pretty different. As one reader summed it up in the comments:
Dreaming big isn’t the problem. It’s getting frustrated when your big dream isn’t fulfilled.
Working towards these kinds of goals is fun and challenging–absolutely part of a happy life. Just don’t confuse them with what you need. Luckily, that’s usually well within reach.
Jen,
The idea of “you get what you need” really resonates with me. I’ve been though a series of ups and downs in my life with job searches, jobs, relationships, and more. Each one of these things has taught me so much and I feel like put me in a much more powerful place in my life. I realize without 8 months of unemployment nothing I”m experiencing today would be going on. If my first two relationships had worked out i’d have two marriages and two divorces on my hands. So breaking and not having them work out was what I needed. What you need might often seem terrible at the time it happens, but when you look back it’s often a blessing.
That’s a great point. Sometimes what we need is directly in conflict with what we think we want. I’ve certainly had the same experience!
Lovely. Thanks for the writeup and other great stories. I’d like to be on Colbert too… but for now I have a few other commitments.
It was great to see you and I’ll look forward to the next time!
Thanks, Chris. I really enjoyed the event. And yes, I’d say you probably have enough goals going for right now! Best of luck in achieving them–still hoping I can make it out to Portland in June. Safe travels!
Well, of course now I can’t stop humming that tune!
I like to think in terms of dreaming big, but without attachment to the outcome. If we can keep our egos from getting their knickers in a knot, then our dreams will lead us to exactly what we need.
True, big dreams are sometimes scary, but I remind myself of a line from A Course in Miracles–“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
Thanks for the continuing inspiration.
Galen,
I like the way you said this, “I like to think in terms of dreaming big, but without attachment to the outcome.” Nice!
I’m not sure I really believe that anyone’s greatest fear is that they are powerful beyond measure. Maybe it is for some, who am I to say, but certainly isn’t what’s holding me back, just good old fashioned (though still ridiculous) fear.
Love the explication of this genius song. It’s taken me a lot of years, but I’ve finally learned to wait for the moment that I “get what I need” rather than what I want. Life has a funny way of working out that way, as long as I dream big, but make realistic goals along the way.
Thanks for your enthusiasm and wisodm.
You’re right–learning to wait is the hardest part. I think I’m still learning that lesson, though I’m getting better at it. Thanks for visiting and sharing your wisdom, Sandy.
I love the middle section most of all! The trying, the honest to goodness passion fueled trying is the bridge between considering your needs and having them met. When that trying comes along with optimism and enthusiasm, watch out! That’s a potent cocktail that almost guarantees success…whether it is the kind you expect or the kind that fills the need for now. Nicely written and shared, Jen. 🙂
It really was a revelation to me too. I’m enthusiastic and optimistic by nature, and bull-headed when I set my mind to something (as my husband will attest). It’s so easy to assume everyone else is the same way, but it’s actually quite the minority. If I ever figured out how to teach that, I’ll be rich(er). 🙂
Great post. Not only “dead on balls accurate”, but creative, different, and you gave your readers advice, while also letting us in on a ‘personal’ “like” of yours; classic rock. Loved it.
Thanks, Jamie! Here’s the real reveal: I only kinda like classic rock. I am an honest to goodness fan of The Stones, but beyond that, a lot of classic rock makes me laugh, and thus, also keeps me awake. But we listen to it a lot at home, because my husband does the cooking and that’s his preference. 🙂
Hi my dear Jen, I still owe you photos but I had company all weekend and was also under the weather – but your writing is restoring me and I am envious you went to Chris G’s book tour – I think I missed him here in Raleigh. Your optimism and your compassion (I think) are your best assets and you should dream big and daring stuff. I know I do after Blogworld – actually, I always have but now I am taking them more seriously. So happy I stopped by! Happy Halloween!
Farnoosh,
No worries on the photos. I have been so busy myself, I think The Stones are at play again, making sure I get what I need…when I need it!
I agree. I feel like a lot of opportunities have opened up since BlogWorld. Now the key is to not put so much pressure on ourselves that those dreams become a burden. We’ll have to help each other!
Life lessons from the Stones… you can’t beat that! It is so true about getting what you need. I’ll never stop dreaming and aspiring to lofty goals, but my true mantra is, all I have is all I need. It has always been true for me.
Great post! Thanks!
I’ve been trying to get to the “all I have is all I need” philosophy for a while. The last year has seen big steps forward, but I know I still have a ways to go. If you’re already there, I commend you. It’s hard to get truly free of society’s expectations and demands. Good for you!
Loved this post. I’m just curious about who the idol is who says “no” 90% of the time?
Leo,
Thanks so much for the kind words on the post–much appreciated! I’ll send you an email on my guest blogging opportunity. I’m still in the process of turning my possibility into a reality, so I don’t want to reveal the blogger’s identity (publicly) until I have a live guest post.
Did I just admit I’m worried I’ll jinx it? Oh gosh, please don’t tell my scientist friends–they take your lab coat away for superstition! LOL
Jennifer,
Just came over from the screencast that Leo did. He’s right, great post! I am learning SO much from this bootcamp! I will definitely take a look around and read some more!
Bernice
http://livingthebalancedlife.com/2010/dream-job-overload/
Thanks for coming over, Bernice! I agree, the bootcamp is terrific, as are Leo and Mary. Look foward to getting to know you.
I never see any distinction between need and want – my opinion is, if you want it then you need it because it has become a psychological need, as in “if I can’t get what I want, how can I be happy?” Who is happy getting their needs? We expect to get our needs but getting our wants, that is what goal setting is all about. I don’t set a goal to get my calories for the day – I just expect that without any reason to set a goal. I set goals to achieve what I want. Needs are just too basic to be interesting – we all want a challenge, right? So want something bad and go get it. Simple and fulfilling!
There is a big difference between wants and needs, but the mistake of believing they are the same drives many people towards unhappy lives. That’s not to say it’s somehow wrong to have wants beyond your needs. It’s linking your fulfillment to your wants, so that you are unhappy with anything less. In your example, it would be wanting to have a gourmet dinner every night, but “only” receiving a well balanced, calorie sufficient meal instead. So of course you don’t make goals for the latter, but you shouldn’t be disappointed with life or feel you’ve gotten a raw deal (as many do) if you miss your goal but still get what you need.
Interesting content and comments from your readers. I learned a lot from your site, keep posting
Frustration over a goal not achieved! We all know that so well! But, the achievers get up, dust themselves off, and get back to work. They are the ones who keep trying. Thanks for the words of wisdom!
I can’t resist a historical note, as a Minnesota citizen. That song was inspired by a post-midnight visit to a drug store in a Minneapolis suburb during the Rolling Stones’s 1964 tour.
Couldn’t agree more, David. And interesting historical note. I didn’t know that. Thanks!
Such an interesting approach and a good one for those to read who have worked hard towards goals and not got what they were hoping for.