Goals are Like Self-Inflicted Wounds
I felt terrible.
I wanted to get fit. After suffering some debilitating injuries years ago, I didn’t take my health for granted. But I couldn’t evade the truth: whenever my trainer assigned additional workouts, I failed to complete them.
I just didn’t have enough discipline or time, I told myself.
I vowed to do better.
Like many who set such goals for themselves, either at the start of a new year or any time, it didn’t work. I maybe got one additional workout in, but that’s as far as my resolve took me.
I was pretty dejected about it. What was wrong with me?
Then my trainer came up with an amazingly simple fix: boxes.
Next to her list of additional exercises each week, she added a little box I was supposed to check off when that exercise was complete.
Not only did it work, but I would faithfully check off those boxes even when my trainer stopped looking at the sheet.
Apparently, the act of checking boxes was, all by itself, enough to get me to work out when all the proclaimed discipline couldn’t.
Effective, but was it healthy?
I first heard about the idea of living without goals a couple of years ago through my friend Leo Babauta. But the above story always echoed in my head, convincing me such a strategy couldn’t work for over-achievers like me.
I told myself I needed goals to get things done. As I’ve detailed before, setting goals works well for me. Maybe too well.
Because at the end of 2012, I found myself very, very tired.
To my surprise, I found I wasn’t the only one suffering from severe burnout. So was Niall Doherty and Jon Morrow, two writers/entrepreneurs I admire a lot.
However, malaise wasn’t the only thing bothering me. I suffered from a vague sense of inadequacy all through 2012, even though things were going really well. Other than feeling run-down, I couldn’t think of a single bad thing that happened. So why was I feeling so lousy?
I considered going to a therapist. I considered quitting everything and starting my career design process from scratch, from first principles.
I considered that my goals might be hurting more than they helped.
In an interview in The Sun Magazine, Parker J. Palmer says
When individuals don’t know what to do with their suffering, they do violence to others or themselves — through substance abuse and extreme overwork, for example.
I thought: that’s me. So many of my goals are driven by suffering, from fear that
- I’m not good enough
- I need to make people like me
- I need to impress people so they respect me
Classic over-achiever stuff, and logically, I know it isn’t true. But simply resolving to “feel better” didn’t work either. I needed a new approach.
What’s left when you leave your goals behind?
I recently read Leo’s 52 Changes, a book I highly recommend on the subject of creating new habits. What really struck me though was Leo’s philosophy that we’re already perfect.
“If we’re already perfect,” I asked him, “why do we need a book that helps us to change?” Here’s what he said:
You can still make changes if you’re perfect. Part of your perfection is a curiosity about doing new things, trying new things — not because you’re dissatisfied with who you are, but because you like to learn about the world, and about yourself.
The scientist in me nearly yelled “Eureka!”
Instead of goals, I’ll follow my curiosity. Instead of slogging through tasks associated with goals, I’ll experiment with joy.
I’m obviously new to this, so I don’t want to imply I have this “no goals” philosophy figured out. In fact, I plan to provide regular updates throughout the year on how this is working. But here are a few questions I had to answer for myself:
Q: Doing challenging, worthwhile projects aren’t always filled with joy. In fact, they’re often fraught with fear. How will you stick with the things that matter while just following your joy?
A: First, when you disassociate the challenge from a goal, it can be joyful. I think a lot of my angst has been fear/worry that I won’t achieve a goal (or worse, won’t keep up with others’ achievements of their goals). When the goal goes away, it’s easier to enjoy the challenge itself, regardless of the outcome.
Second, a recent article in Harvard Business Review suggests using “areas of focus” instead of goals, an idea that appeals to me. For now, I think a focus on courage will keep me from avoiding situations I’m afraid of, though I wonder how many of my fears also stem from exaggerated expectations.
Q: Without goals to motivate you, won’t you spend a lot more time doing frivolous things?
A: Gosh I hope so. Not only do I think I’ll have more fun, but I think I need to realize my self-worth even in moments of frivolity. I’ve already scheduled a number of adventures with family and friends this year, including dog-sledding in the Arctic. I’m looking forward to them.
Q: Didn’t you say on Facebook that 2013 was going to be the year of the book? When you give up goals, are you giving up your goal of writing a book too?
A: If I really want to write a book, then I’ll write one. I think a big reason I haven’t done this yet is that I’m over-thinking it, trying to make my first effort “perfect.” I shouldn’t need a goal in order to realize a dream. I’m hoping this philosophy will help me do fewer things this year, which will free up time and energy for writing a book.
Q: When you say you’re going to do fewer things, how does eliminating goals help you do that? Given your natural curiosity, aren’t you actually in danger of doing more activities without the structure and prioritization goals provide?
A: This is probably my biggest concern. I get easily excited by projects, especially collaborations, and tend to overcommit until I’m miserable. I’m tackling this in a few ways.
- I’m taking a project mentality: In this interview, Seth Godin talks about ending successful endeavors in order to start new ones. I like this idea a lot, so as much as possible, I’m going to assign completion dates to current commitments, even if they’re successful and interesting. This was the hardest commitment of all, and may turn out to be a bad idea, but I felt it was necessary. I’ll explain the full implication of this decision in an upcoming post.
- I’m returning to my core dream: There are lots of things I’d like to do, but really, there’s only a couple of things I feel are essential–writing and speaking. In 2012 I arranged an extremely lucrative and interesting writing job and still felt something was missing. The insight that I need to be writing and cultivating my own audience was an important one I plan to test this year.
- I want to give more than I get: I suspect many of the commitments I later regret derive from the fear of losing out on cool or envy-inducing opportunities. Ultimately, I felt this was selfish. Perhaps fulfillment comes more from filling others up instead of ourselves. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to manifest this yet, but I know I’ll have fun finding the right balance.
So what about you? Are you making New Year’s resolutions this year, or have I talked you into experimenting with a year without goals?
No concrete SMART goals for the entire year, but I definitely plan on “areas of focus”, and possibly looking at working on these areas a month at a time. I agree with your feelings of being worn out and overwhelmed – I was definitely too scattered in 2012 and want to rein it in in 2013, and concentrate more on what brings me joy and life.
Wishing you much love, joy, and fulfillment in 2013 Jen!!
Maris
Thanks, Maris, and for the blog link too. I don’t know if I’m sensitive to it because I’m going through it or what, but 2012 seemed to be tiring for a lot of people I know. I’m optimistic about 2013 though. Just be careful about an area of focus a month. That sounds…grueling. 🙂
I have also been highly goal oriented for most of my life. Last year, in part after hearing from Leo on the topic, I followed a very “loose” goal philosophy. I still had goals, but I didn’t worry about achieving them. if I felt like working on a goal, I did, and if it didnt call to me, I said “maybe later”. I also concentrated on following joy more often and not letting goals get in the way.
What did I learn?
I had a really amazing year with lots of big challenges and accomplishments that I feel good about. Quite a few of them derived from goals, but quite a few goals did not happen. I think it is these particular goals that cause all the problems. They sit on the to do list, staring back at you, and you feel angst when they don’t happen. Or, even worse, you push through to achieve the goal so you can to tick the box but it drains your energy, you are not really acting in alignment with who you really are.
For 2013, I am going back to a stronger goal focus, but with eyes open to really choose the right goals. And if I find over the course of the year that I am not making progress, instead of asking what is wrong with me, I ask what is wrong with the goal…
I am sure that you will learn great things from your no goals experiment, and have excellent adventures in 2013!!!
Lynn
Thanks, Lynn! Very interesting that you had such a positive experience with a “loose” goal philosophy and then decided to go back to a stronger goal orientation in 2013. Why so? What did you feel like you were missing with the more relaxed focus?
Hi Jen,
I have two reasons for going back to more goal focus.
1) Even though in retrospect it was a good year in terms of fun and satisfying accomplishments, I had sort of a floating angst the whole time. It didn’t feel like I was really getting anywhere; I couldn’t really “see” where I was going.
2) I also think my self-esteem took sort of a hit. There are other reasons for this beyond the lack of focus on goals, but my reading of the self-esteem literature suggests that setting objectives and accomplishing them will be a better place for me.
But I definitely think it was a really good experiment to loosen up on goals for a year, I learned quite a lot from it. It has changed the way I approach my goals for the better.
Thanks for elaborating, Lynn. I have a floating angst now, so I figure I have nothing to lose with getting rid of goals. 🙂
Happy New Years, Jennifer!
Goal setting, objectives, and New Years Resolutions have never worked for me either.
Just a week ago, I developed a strategic plan for 2013 that feels much more comfortable. I’m not looking at the end result of where I want to be, but rather developing the journey on how I will get there – if that makes sense.
Thank you for an awesome article to begin 2013.
It’s an interesting comparison to strategic planning, Bill. Hadn’t thought of it that way, even though I’ve been helping my husband put together a strat plan for his office for the last couple of weeks! I’ll have to give your idea more thought. Thanks for sharing and the nice note. 🙂
I have wonder around with no goals and have completed a circle – this year a goal a day!
Wow, a goal a day! That’s an interesting idea too, if only because it forces you to keep your goals small. Let me know how it goes!
I love this article – in a slew of ‘how to set goals for the coming year’ blog articles, yours is like the voice of sanity!
I’m also a big anti goaler – I find them constricting in the mid to long term and prefer the approach of having a general destination and then reviewing and adjusting course a regular intervals.
Thanks again and Happy New Year!
Thanks, Jo. I always appreciate affirmations of my sanity when I’m feeling a bit tired and down. Onwards and with joy!
Jen, this came just when I needed it – thank you for such a thought-provoking post.
In fact, I’m going to write about this in connection with the Support Plans required for adults with special needs receiving certain funding. As a former direct care worker, I had to place checkmarks next to lots of boxes for lots of people every day. It’s a completely goal-directed approach to measuring success, and I always felt it lacked something essential. I’ll be sure to send the post your way when it’s ready. 🙂
Always happy to help, my friend. Something worth considering: there’s a difference between checklists, which reduce stress, and goals, which for me anyway, increase stress. Make sure you know which one you’re creating.
For me, I found that goals always masked my truth. They were goals that i erroneously thought were really important and I failed, or I forced myself to complete them which in turn caused a failure of spirit and truth.
I’m tickled for you Jen! It’s so easy to get caught up in the hype of accomplishment and success. You are a smart and talented person (aren’t we all?)and I, too, am convinced that none of us needs to force things by setting specifics, timetables, rewards, forced disciplines, and judgment.
There’s a lot for me to learn about this but once I left the goal-setting drama I could see more clearly. It’s going to be fun hearing your experiences with this!
You said it well, Carmelo. Particularly that we force ourselves to complete goals at the expense of spirit. Amen to that.
And yes, for such a classic over-achiever, this adventure should be humorous if nothing else. 😀
I linked to this post in my blog Jen – summed up my feelings about 2012/2013 very well. Thanks for another thought-provoking read!
Maris
I made plans for the 2013. I am coming from the direction of having no or very few goals. I feel like ramping up this area of my life is both healthy and needed, and I don’t feel pressured by goals, but rather energized by them. There is hope in goals.
Term “areas of focus” instead of goals feels right to me. Personally I use term direction. It is like I am in a forest, and I think of a direction where I want to go. There is a place where I want to be. If I wither on the wrong path, I redirect myself.
Thus speaks the fool, in the beginning of the very long journey.
Great post AND comments! The points made about a certain category of goal becoming an albatross around your neck are well grounded. In fact, I just read a good example of it here: http://www.brigittelyons.com/no-goals/ and Brigitte had some good insight on it too! As for me, I still want goals, but as Maris said, I give them a time limit and some elbow room to evolve.
Great link! I’m going to try out the no goals and see how it goes. Already I’m seeing how hard it is. For example, I love taking walks in our local park. It brings me so much joy every time I do them, even if I go for a walk in rain. But with each day, it is a struggle to go. Why is that? I know it will make me happy to go, so why do I resist? And how do I approach that in a life of no goals? For now, I’m just focusing on the future happiness to get me out the door, hoping that will build into a habit I don’t have to fight anymore.
I have given up on goals too for many of the same reasons but I do try to set a theme that guides me and keeps me focused. Last year was the year of being fearless and 2013 is the year of balance – which means I have to get back to the gym too 🙂
I’ve seen the theme idea rolling around and I think I even tried it once. I think my difficulty is that I already have delineated core values that I use as themes. So setting one for each year, with the idea that it changes from year to year, was hard for me. I think in a way, my courage “area of focus” is like a theme, so maybe it’s the same? Not sure.
I was borrowing the position of a fool from the world of Tarot. Card “fool” is special card referring to the beginning of a spiritual path as I interpret it, which suits well for the beginning of a new year.
Here is what Joan Bunning has to say about the fools journey:
“The Fool stands for each of us as we begin our journey of life. He is a fool because only a simple soul has the innocent faith to undertake such a journey with all its hazards and pain.
At the start of his trip, the Fool is a newborn – fresh, open and spontaneous. The figure on Card 0 has his arms flung wide, and his head held high. He is ready to embrace whatever comes his way, but he is also oblivious to the cliff edge he is about to cross. The Fool is unaware of the hardships he will face as he ventures out to learn the lessons of the world.
The Fool stands somewhat outside the rest of the major arcana. Zero is an unusual number. It rests in the exact middle of the number system – poised between the positive and negative. At birth, the Fool is set in the middle of his own individual universe. He is strangely empty (as is zero), but imbued with a desire to go forth and learn. This undertaking would seem to be folly, but is it?”
Here is additional info with the picture of the card:
http://www.learntarot.com/maj00.htm
About the path of goals that has backfired. Maybe it is easy to set goals for business and career and take certain things for granted, like health, rest, recreation and social relationships. There are things what one wants to do and there are things one needs to do. Goal can be ambitious but is it wise? One needs to have a balance in life. Maybe it is also tempting to set goals for reaching new territories, when there is at the same time home base to be guarded and taken care of, which is everything, really. The home base is the essence of life.
I have enjoyed very much reading comments here. I have nodded “yes, yes” to what people have been saying and I have been recognizing things. Like Angelica just said, that she has themes to keep her focused and guided. I have also themes for my new year. My year is year of thinking, action and strategy. This is the lens through which I look.
Perhaps that what it is. As I’ve gotten older, that “home base” has become increasingly important to me. I cherish it and want to protect it, and I’ve come to see my goals often do the opposite. Interesting lens, as always. Thanks!
Jen,
I want to pass on a tool that I’ve recently found to be very helpful with this long and somewhat nebulous process. Think of it as a small “thank you” for all of your good advice in 2012.
Recently, I read Paul Silvia’s How to Write a Lot. Though he writes for an academic audience, much of his tips and techniques are incredibly useful for any writer. By far the best piece of advice on how to write was to allocate time for it. Not “I’ll write when I have time” but “I’ll make time to write.” In making time, he argues that you’ll not only get your writing done (hooray!) but you’ll also have *more* time to do other things, like live a life without goals and not worry that you’re fettering away time.
Since Silvia is also a psychologist, he deals with the issues of fear and perfection – and how they can totally derail the writing process. Plus, there is data to back his stuff up – and you strike me as the person who really likes data. 🙂
Best wishes for your new journey!
Andrea,
Thanks for the book recommendation. I will definitely pick it up. Sounds terrific.
But I think I have a bigger problem. You see, much of my time RIGHT NOW is spent writing. I have this contract writing job that I’m doing on the side (on the side of my business, and my blog, and being a mom…). Right now I’m in the process of writing a book chapter for as part of that contract. So I spend lots of time reading and researching, I’m learning a lot about how writing a longer work is different from what I’ve done in the past, but I realized at some point that I wasn’t giving myself any credit for this activity. It was a job to me. Because it wasn’t for me. Because I didn’t choose the topic or the publisher. It’s rubbish to think like this, and it’s so wacky it took me a long time to figure out the problem. So I’m ending the contract when the chapter is done to focus on my own writing and hopefully get my own book out there in 2013.
Make any sense? I figure if anyone can understand it, it’s you! 🙂
Additional perspective for goals and change.
Following thought is from Bruce Lee.
Be formless. Be like water. If flowing into a cup, be a cup. If flowing into a pot, be a pot.
There is continuous variation in environment and in our selves. Things never repeat in exact the same way. It’s always taking account everything and accommodating individual response to that specific situation. This means, that one is always searching for the right balance. And that balance is ever changing.
I have never been one to appreciate goals because “the only constant is change” and I prefer to feel OK about changing course as needed. I’ve recently (um, this morning) decided to dump a long-time career commitment to pursue something else — ANYthing else! — because a strict adherence to that path for the past 20 years has become such a drag on my sense of self. Time to try something different… BTW, I found your blog through a link on The Storied Mind — looking forward to reading more!
Hi Jen – thanks for sharing your experience and alternate approaches to accomplishing the things that really matter. I’m pretty passionate about implementing what we’ve learned from positive psychology in my life and my work, including the great insights on achievement dare I say Goal Setting and Goal Attainment) but I’m also all over the need to be flexible with language and approach.
Having a fitness goal is pretty common, and often fraught with feelings of unease or failure. That’s because a planned outcome or Goal that’s not connected with purpose can become an annoying task list of things “to do”. When goals, or focus, or outcomes (call them what you wish) connect to purpose and values then it’s much easier to frame them in terms of a Growth mindset, and as directional.
Being something of a natural born sloth, I am terrible with fitness goals, but I adore walking weird and wild places with my dogs. When I think of things this way stabilizing my wonky knee is simply a means to an end that’s important to me. I HATE checklists, they bring out the rebel in me, although I LOVE knowing I can climb a hill that previously made me worry I was going to leave a lung somewhere along the trail! I measure progress relative to I want to achieve – and believe me if I can comfortably climb the hill with only 2 trips a week instead of 3 I’m good with that.
When we look at things as succeed or fail we see lower success rates overall. That’s true regardless of whether you are talking about work, primary school behaviors or personal goals. While you ONLY did one more workout a week, maybe that represented a material increase of 25% or more, so good on you! How much closer were you to what you wanted to do – run a marathon, control Type II diabetes, defy your families propensity to illness or .. . . ?
I’ve done a very deep dive into this area and I agree with so many of the comments made . . . but it makes me a bit sad because there is such great applied research to show us how to frame our aspirations in ways that engage, encourage and support out progress.
Would you have become a successful blogger and writer without a Goal or aspiration? I’m going to bet that that if you replace the word Goal with something else that implies purpose, meaning and direction it feels better?
Janine,
I appreciate your thoughtful response. You ask, “Would I have become a successful blogger without a goal or aspiration?” I think there’s a big difference between a goal, which one can make without much true passion or emotional investment, and an aspiration, which I think implies a sense of intrinsic motivation. So I’d say that yes, one could become a successful blogger without setting a goal to do so (in fact, this happens more often than one might think), but you probably couldn’t do it without an aspiration to write and share ideas (I still don’t think that one must aspire to be a “successful” blogger in order to achieve it).
I do agree with you that we often unnecessarily see failure as opposed to incremental progress when it comes to goals. I think this is common especially for over-achievers, who either had parents who constantly pushed them to achieve more or did the same to themselves (and in many cases, both!). I know it’s a shift in perspective I have to be constantly alert for.
Thanks again for such a great response!
Personally, having goals are like having a mentor watching you to do the right thing within the given time frame. Goals serve as a guide to keep you on course when times get tough, and prevent you from becoming distracted by unimportant matters. Goals also provide benefits in areas like planning, motivation and the attainment of rapid results.
Hi Jennifer,
very interesting post.
My main job is working as a trainer in a gym with many clients. Set realistic exercise goals is an important part of my work.
And yet I often feel too much pressure and many of my clients also goes like this.
Lately my attention is more on focus instead goals.
The trigger for this was also the article by Leo Babauta.
After I focus more on the direction than the goals, my training sessions are more fun and I am more motivated.
With my clients it is the same.
So I think no goals are a good thing and I’m curious how it develops in the future without goals and more focus on the direction.
Beautiful blog by the way. I’ll check how the journey without goals has gone further. 🙂
Nice to meet you, Sebastian. It’s great to hear that you’ve had similar experiences as a personal trainer. I’ve worked on a goal-free lifestyle for more than a year now. Ultimately I found that challenges served me better, as an overachiever, than anything else, including focus. These are all subtle differences, but what I like about challenges is that 1) no one expects to achieve a true challenge on the first try, and 2) most challenges don’t have a deadline. This takes away a lot of the anxiety, but leaves what I consider the good parts of goals. Great to have you as part of the community!