If You Love Someone, Set Them Free (Starting With Yourself)
P ETA thinks I’m cruel.
According to them, all cats should be indoor cats. They call on owners to protect their loved ones from the “not-so-great outdoors.”
Why? They might get kitty AIDS. There are bad people who will sell them to laboratories or light them on fire. There are even other cats, and make no mistake, those cats are mean.
It’s not that these things aren’t true, even if the selling them to laboratories sounds a bit like an urban myth. It’s a dangerous world out there and you will likely extend your cat’s life span by keeping them inside.
But it’s also a pretty one-sided story. Yes, it can be a big, bad world, but there are plenty of insidious dangers inside the house: boredom, aggression, depression.
Just because your pet can’t vocalize what they’re feeling doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering. When a heat wave hit London and we were desperate to at least crack open some windows, one of our cats wouldn’t stop making escape attempts. No matter how clever we tried to be, she would find a way to wriggle out, forcing me to track her down and drag her back to her prison cell, I mean, loving home.
Until one day I looked in her eyes and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I love this animal like a part of my family and here I was denying her the one thing she wanted, and all I could think about was keeping her safe.
So I opened the window and let her go.
It struck me how many of us struggle with the same weighty decision–not just for our pets, but for ourselves.
People are all too willing to share with you the dangers of changing, of living your life differently. You might not get hired, you might not make enough to pay the bills, you might lose your home and worldly possessions.
What about the dangers of supposedly “playing it safe”?
What are the consequences of a life that bores you, that frustrates you, that daily saps your soul? In his book The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor describes his experience working with students at Harvard
These best and brightest willingly sacrificed happiness for success because, like so many of us, they had been taught that if you work hard you will be successful— and only then, once you are successful, will you be happy. They had been taught that happiness is the reward you get only when you become partner of an investment firm, win the Nobel Prize, or get elected to Congress.
Of course many will say they aren’t shooting as high as the kids at Harvard, to which I might argue you’re making the same sacrifice only for a smaller reward. If it doesn’t make sense to put your happiness on hold for the chance of a Nobel Prize, what does it make sense for? Matching contributions to your 401K?
The quantity versus quality argument doesn’t have to be an either/or proposition. Too often the choice is presented something like “Would you rather live 100 years in prison or 50 years of freedom?”
As I’ve mentioned before, most people aren’t ready for total freedom.
Instead, try making small adjustments and see what happens. First, open the window of possibility. Take a look at other options by talking to people about what they do and what the trade-offs are. There are always trade-offs, and some will be more to your liking than others.
Then, when you have some options you’re interested in, look for ways to get real life experience. Try volunteering or starting a side business. Do a short internship or working holiday.
At the same time, start getting comfortable with small risks. I didn’t let my sweet indoor cat roam the great outdoors unescorted from day one. I leash trained her years ago. I’ve taken her on hundreds of walks and I know how she responds to danger.
But as soon as she’d finagled her way out of a couple windows, she wasn’t interested in taking walks with me anymore. I put her harness on and she looked at me as if to say, “Seriously? I’ll just wait for a window, thanks. And hey, you should really do something about that heat rash on your arms.”
The idea of security is a false one. Everything can be taken away in an instant: your savings, your family, even your life. We all know this is true, so you can stop hanging out with the fear mongers, even the well intentioned ones.
When I went to a party hosted by globe trotter Chris Guillebeau, I found myself surrounded by people who were far more comfortable with adventure than I was. Amongst colleagues from my old life, I was seen as a dare devil. Among these new friends, I looked pretty tame. It was a great reminder that living large is a spectrum, and you’re free to find your own place on it.
After a brief foray, our adventurous cat is back inside, contentedly licking herself. Our other cat, despite wide open windows for days, has never done more than sit at the edge and enjoy the wind in her fur.
As my cats will tell you, there’s a huge difference between survival and truly living. (Click to tweet)
They needed me to find the courage to open the window. But you? You can make that decision for yourself.
Life is a risk we’re incredibly fortunate to experience.
So go live it.
Thanks for this 🙂 Really needed to read it today.
Glad to be of service. 🙂
And some cats do not return. They wanted out, the window was open and we never saw them again. It’s the same in life, you discover when you are ready for freedom! Sometimes a nudge is necessary too.
So true, Ann. My biggest fear was not the cat who desperately wanted out–I was pretty sure she could handle herself. It’s the other one, who frankly isn’t cut out for that big, bad world. Thankfully, she’s never ventured past the window, but she sure enjoys the view. The best we can do is understand ourselves well enough to know when to move forward and when to stay back. Great point!
Great post! I agree.
Thanks, Linda!
PETA is a PITA. Most outdoor cats roam about 100 feet from home. I’ve always had cats that want to be outside. My current cat was a cat who just decided to move in! He showed up one day and even though I took him to the vet and had unspeakable things done to him, he still stuck around. I’m certain that he wanders more than 100 feet. I’m also certain he would languish if trapped in the house.
I realize this wasn’t the point of your post, but it’s what I felt passionate about responding to. Have a day!
So true, Kim. What I also love is that my adventurous cat now comes when I call her. It’s like we’ve re-established a trusting relationship. She knows I let her out when it’s ok, and call her when it’s time to come in. Makes me so happy.
Good to know another animal love. I’d take them all in if my husband would let me! 🙂
I love this post. I usually realize this when something happens and I realize the perfect time is always the same. NOW. : )
Now is always the best time, but smaller steps are usually better than big ones. It’s a lesson this overachiever has had to learn over (and over!) again. LOL
YES. YES. YES!
Thanks thanks thanks! 🙂
When I cat-sit my son’s cat I put a tiny locator on his collar. I have a small remote. When I turn it on, the lights flash different colors and the remote makes a sound when I’m pointing it in the direction of the cat. I just walk around the yard or the neighbor’s yard until I find him. The locator on the collar beeps and the cat knows it’s time to come home.
We took our time getting him used to the neighborhood. We put him on a leash at first and walked him. Then I tied him with a very long leash outside alone. Yes, that required almost constant supervision so he wouldn’t get tangled or attacked or choke himself. Then I let him out alone and followed him.
Now he goes out alone and usually comes home every hour or so to eat and check-in. I miss him. My son has him now.
Linda,
I must say, I think that’s a business idea in the making. I haven’t seen such a thing marketed to pet owners through the stuff I look at. What a great idea!
There are several brands of pet locators on the market. I paid $100 for mine and it has two collar attachments… good for two pets. The remote can be used for up to four pets if you buy extra collar attachments. I just didn’t want to lose my son’s cat.
There are also some satellite pet finders… very expensive!
Thanks, Linda. I’ll check those out!
Hi Jen,
I would imagine many Baby Boomers like myself were brought up believing in the same philosophy as the Harvard students – money and prestige leading to happiness.
Although I do not regret the paths I took during my early years, I see now they were based upon what I thought was supposed to make me “happy” rather than remaining aligned with my value system.
BTW, we have rescued four feral/wild cats during the past five years who are completely content now being indoor/lovable pets. If PETA gives you any troubles, have them contact me. I think I’ve created enough good Karma for both of us – ?
Bill,
I don’t think it’s limited to Boomers. I think the increasing presence of media, which emphasizes these values to an extreme and also often subconsciously, makes it hard for anyone to break away and live life on their own terms. That’s why it’s so important to have a concrete definition of success for yourself, as society will constantly challenge and make you question anything else.
And thanks for the offer of help with PETA. I’d hope that I have enough good cat karma myself, but you never know! 🙂
such a good read. i think you’re becoming one of my personal preacher
LOL. What a great comment. I always wanted to be a preacher! 😉
I have forgotten how much I love your writing, Jen. I am linking to this post and love that you are continuing to express your thoughts especially through your story-telling. Hope you are doing great.
Thanks so much, Farnoosh! Yes, I’m letting the story telling back into my writing. Makes it more fun for everyone! I continue to follow your progress as well–glad to see things are going so well. Here’s to an already great 2013!
Kitty AIDS, that’s hilarious. Love this piece though, couldn’t agree more. As a society we think we’re protected with our house, our family, our 401k, our car, etc. But in reality, like you said, it can be taken away in an instant.