Eureka! A Cure for Perfectionism
I have struggled with perfectionism all of my life.
At times it shows up as procrastination. I fill my to-do list with fluff and broadcast to everyone, including myself, how busy I am. The pace of it exhausts me and the pretending makes me feel like a fraud.
Other times, it’s a depression that dodges in and out of my life. A feeling I am not good enough. A suspicion that I’ve run up against the end of my potential.
Both occasions are painful. They drain my creativity and optimism and self-worth.
What’s worse is the demand to hide the pain–the perfectionist, in her struggle to appear perfect, dooms herself to suffer alone.
And yet, I never invested much in trying to solve the problem. I saw perfectionism as both a blessing and a curse. Yes, it brought me low at times, but a part of me believed it was also the magical elixir that powered my best achievements.
It wasn’t until I became a parent that I saw the truly destructive nature of perfectionism.
My daughter’s small body hunched over her Playskool desk. She was two years old and crying. The problem? She was devastated that she couldn’t draw a perfect circle.
How does a two-year-old conceive the concept of perfect? Where had she heard the word? Did it get encoded in her DNA or had I unknowingly infected her with my disease?
I knew I had do something, but despite my best efforts over the years, the problem persisted.
Then, a few months ago, we had a breakthrough that not only helped my daughter break her pattern of perfectionism, but changed my outlook too. Strangely, it never occurred to me that we both had to find a way to heal. I couldn’t “fix” her without also fixing myself.
Maybe a “cure” is too strong a word. We both still struggle. But it’s fair to say our breakthrough has been nothing short of a miracle for us both.
In this short video, I talk about how we eventually became comfortable with risk and, more importantly, with ourselves. It’s a strategy so surprisingly simple, anyone can do it.
Can’t see the video? Click here.
I am passionate about helping overachievers create happy, healthy, productive lives.
But we can’t do that if we don’t talk about the problems and issues most overachievers hide. So I’m starting the conversation. Here’s how you can keep it going:
- Share the video with your favorite perfectionist. Email them a link to the video or share it on your Facebook page.
- Share a story of your own struggle with perfectionism. One of the simplest ways to help those who are suffering is to let them know they’re not alone.
I always thought perfectionism was something you dealt with instead of solved. This latest experiment has led me to believe the cure may be a lot easier than we may think.
Sure, your genes or upbringing may predispose you to thinking, acting, and feeling like a perfectionist.
But as with most things, you don’t have to accept the status quo.
If life is an adventure, and I certainly hope mine continues to be, then there’s no place for perfection.
Or silence.
It’s funny how something so simple – letting yourself make mistakes – is incredibly freeing. The example of your daughter trying to draw a perfect circle made me laugh since that’s exactly the problem I struggled with as a teenager. Since the moment I gave myself permission to draw anything, no matter how “ugly” it turned out, drawing is a heck of a lot more fun! I mean what’s the worst that will happen – someone doesn’t like it? 😀
Awesome video by the way. 🙂 I’ll be sure to share it.
Stephanie, Thanks for sharing that you too struggled with the perfect circle. That gives me hope that she won’t give up on her artistic ways. I think what was doubly heart-breaking about the whole incident is how much joy and pain art brings her–the latter solely because of her perfectionism. So you’ve given me hope! Thanks for the kind words on the video. It is, of course, an emotionally risky thing for me. The first of its kind. But I enjoyed creating it very much, so expect more!
Jen:
You have a way with words and a style that is so engaging. Thank you for sharing this. It was dare I say very good timing to hear your story.–JSR
Thanks, Judy! As this is such a personal topic for me, that means a lot. Happy to help in any way I can. 😉
Yesterday a friend (actually the latest guy to be dumped by me because something I did annoyed him and he mentioned it. I cannot take criticism, it destroys me, so I had to end it and get back to my safe little house where there is no one to make me feel so wretched)e mailed me.He said that had I ever considered I may have a personality disorder? Maybe Perfectionism? My first response was to cry, then I went on the internet, now I can’t stop crying. Every site I go on is describing me. I don’t know what to do and I’m desperate, can you help?
Jo Clare
Hi Jo,
First, I’m sorry for the suddenness of this realization. The fact you’re having an emotional response is actually quite healthy, so that’s a good place to start.
Second, realize that certain personalities are indeed more prone to perfectionism than others. Do you happen to know your Myers-Brigg personality type?
Third, I’d suggest following the advice in the video. Say that mantra every single day and then be conscious of your responses to your own mistakes and those by others. Catch yourself in the act of perfectionism, then repeat the mantra. Reward yourself for mistakes and not over-reacting to them. Take pride in risks that might reveal your own vulnerability and imperfection.
And lastly, know that the cure isn’t instantaneous. Don’t expect perfection in your quest to end perfectionism.
Hugs.
Gosh I feel so overwhelmed, I’m 43 and have always been the same even from my earliest memories. I have never ever said this but I have an eating disorder that has come and gone for about 30 years now. I have so many other issues I can’t see how to begin. I’m really worried I may have affected my kids although they are both in Uni and doing very well. I did that test and my personality type is ESFJ but I scored moderate in all but Sensing. Can your childhood experiences make you suffer from perfectionism because mine was anything but normal?
Thank you for your kind words, they at least stopped me crying.
Hi Jo,
It really sounds like a major emotional issue for you. As Jen suggests, be patient and compassionate with yourself on this one. It sounds like this could be a potentially life-changing issue for you.
Do you have any really warm, wise and compassionate friends you can confide your deepest thoughts and emotions with?
Have you ever considered seeking qualified professional help with this issue?
A good therapist can do absolute wonders by holding your hand through difficult times of transition.
Hello Bernard, I don’t have any close friends, I keep people at arms length, I’m a very private person and feel ashamed of myself for the way I am and what I do. I’m very very unhappy at work and yet spend long hours there because I have to be the best. If I have an observation I have to get outstanding or else I am devastated. I haven’t the money to pay for a therapist and I don’t think I could say all this to someone’s face. I just can’t see how I can change any of this after so many years. the thing is most peole think I’m wonderful, they have no idea.
Hi Jo,
Well it sounds like you are ready to break through a lifetime pattern. We all have certain dysfunctional patterns that can keep us isolated from the help that we need. I’d like to congratulate you for acknowledging this within yourself, that is a major step! And secondly for reaching out on a forum such as this.
Do you keep a journal?
Personally, I’ve found great solace in writing down my emotional experiences, especially when there seems to be no other avenues of support.
All the best
Jo,
Like Bernard, I think these issues are serious, esp if you’ve been ignoring them for a very long time. The eating disorder in particular is concerning–if you cannot afford a therapist, I would recommend starting with your GP. There are also many nonprofit organizations you can turn to that may offer free assistance with things like eating disorders. Tomorrow I have a post coming out talking about how anorexia, for example, is usually more an issue with control and perfectionism than body appearance. It’s all related.
So please, take that first step and talk to a doctor, okay?
To answer your question: there are many steps you can take to deal with your perfectionist tendencies. In my experience, there is no cure. I don’t say that to depress you but to help you set expectations. That said, if you make this a priority (and I absolutely think you should), you can make enormous progress. I have channeled my own perfectionist/overachiever tendencies to focus on healing myself rather than hurting myself. After 3 years, my life has truly been transformed. Do I still have work to do? Yep. Will I always have to be vigilant? Probably, though I hope over time it will be less so.
You might also consider joining my group coaching program. While it is not for the purpose of dealing with perfectionism specifically, I attract many who struggle with those issues, so it would give you a community who can understand and empathize with what you’re going through.
Remember, you’re not going to solve this overnight. It feels overwhelming because you don’t see how to begin. Are you a blog subscriber? You might start with some of the courage challenges that get sent to subscribers as a kind of baby step.
Best of luck, Jo. Keep hanging around. As you can see, this is a friendly, helpful community. Let us help you help yourself. You can do this!
((Hugs))
P.S. Thank you Bernard!!
I am in the process of learning how to live with mistakes. I am not aiming for perfection, but I would like to cut the number of my most stupid mistakes.
Half would be a good number.
Stupid mistakes are weekly business. If I make two stupid mistakes during a single day, that’s actually bit frustrating.
On this front, one would be a pretty good number.
C.R. I think the point is that all opportunities are learning opportunities. Other than issues of safety, what constitutes a stupid mistake? I think you’re being hard on yourself.
Ok, it’s little bit about definition here. I was thinking stupid mistake to be something, which should have been avoided. There were enough reasons not to do something in the first place, yet that something did happen. Specifically I was not talking about the impact axis, how catastrophic the mistake might have been.
I will give an example from yesterday 🙂 See, these things happen quite often.
I was eating my lunch, when I somehow managed to loose touch to both fork and knife at the same time, which as a result, catapulted some food to my shirt. So, this wasn’t serious any sense, if not mildly embarrassing.
I could have paid more attention to the situation, and avoided what just happened.
thank you Bernard and Jen, you don’t know the relief I feel that I’m not crazy. The neatness of my life is in such a contrast to the mess going on in my head. I will speak to a doctor if I can see one who doesn’t know me, I can’t see my own I would be too ashamed, he has known me for years.
I’ve actually had a good day today, I used the mantra and have bought a diary to start writing in, I never dared buy one before in case anyone found it and read my private thoughts.
I’m reading everything I can find on this. I just can’t believe there are people like you who know what I’m going through, I can even go right back through my life and see where this started and why. The idea that I may just start to understand my issues is incredible to me so again many, many thanks.
Well done Jo!
It is so life affirming to know that each and everyone of us are, at least just a little bit, crazy, but it takes real courage to admit it to ourselves and others. Perfectionism has the unfortunate habit of comparing our lives with everyone else’s and measuring up against some undefined abstract ideal we hold in our heads. It’s completely illusory and forces us to keep ourselves separate from other people and even full engagement with our own lives.
Good luck with the diary. As a daily habit, I’ve found it a brilliant tool to keep myself honest and real – even if I can’t or don’t want to admit it to anyone else.
All the best 🙂
Bernard,
You are such a bright heart. Thanks for spreading the love.
Jo, This is a fantastic start. I’m so happy to hear that you’re taking action. Keep it going! And please feel free to come back and let us know how it’s going, whether you’re feeling good or feeling low. This is what community is all about.
Hi, thanks for making me feel so welcome, this really is a source of comfort for me especially as I do like to be so private but at the same time need to talk. I’ve had some good days since and am really trying to come to terms with who I am. Today has been a bad day, my daughter has been diagnosed with celiac disease. she has suffered with a skin condition for 3 years and they only now have given it a name, dermatitis herpetiformis, linked to the celiac. she is away at uni and reading up on this has sent me into panic as I have a bad relationship with food as you know. She is more upbeat about it whereas I just reach for old habits to help me cope. Sorry to have a moan like this. I will try to see that I’ve had a week of a much better way of life so I know I can do it, I just need to learn how to cope with set backs when all is not just as I want it. Many thanks again.
Jo,
Here’s another way of looking at your daughter’s diagnosis: they finally know what’s wrong and the issue is entirely treatable through diet! So while no one wants to hear they have a disease, as things go, this sounds like a positive development as opposed to continuing to struggle with the skin condition without answers. It also sounds like you’re making great progress in your thinking. You’re exactly right–everyone has good days and bad days. The key is to see those bad days in context and not let them drive you to old bad habits. You’re doing great!
As a side note: I’m not a celiac, but have switched to a paleo diet out of choice. I simply feel better when I’m not eating grains, and I like the food. So she may find that, while it’s not always easy to maintain, there are real upsides!
Hi Jen,
Brilliant post and video. My struggle through a good part of my life was idealism – another form of perfectionism. I used to get so dissatisfied with how things are in contrast to how they could be it was paralysing.
I applied this idealism to my life, business, spirituality and politics. Now I’m convinced that this idealism is at the base of fanaticism regardless of ideology. In fact it’s ideology that is the problem.
After realising this and mentally detaching myself from my ideals and expectations, and accepting/embracing “what is” I find life much more interesting and engaging.
Thank you for the reinforcement!
Thanks actually a really interesting point, Bernard! I never thought about idealism that way, but I can see what you mean. Thanks for that insight! And glad you liked the video. 🙂
Although, maybe I am not totally satisfied how I frame what happened. I could possibly see it from more neutral, or even more elevated perspective.
Like, what a fun I had yesterday during lunch! You never guess!!! Wooo!!! Food fight!!! With myself!!!!
That might be a bit too much, but something along these lines. So, I could take these things with lighter heart and less seriousness.
And, of course, I replied to wrong comment.
It’s like making a mistake in discussion about making mistakes. Is this cool or uncool?
Don’t know, but God bless me on this road.
I like this reframe! LOL. I think the point is that we get upset over things that really have very little consequence, but if framed correctly, tremendous learning potential. Learning is something that should never be avoided, unless that opportunity is also so catastrophic that it kills you.
Don’t forget about us underachievers – we are often victims of perfectionism too. We get overwhelmed at the impossibility of achieving it, and give up before we start, or halfway through.
Thanks for the lovely story about your daughter and the circle. My son went through the same thing when he started school and began comparing his artwork to that of the other kids–until he saw me doodling one day and asked me about it. I said that I just doodle until it starts to look like something, and then I make it look more like that. That seemed to flick a switch in his brain, and gave him the freedom to draw again. Now, he’s a very talented doodler and gets great enjoyment out of drawing. 🙂
I hardly think of you as an underachiever, LaVonne! While many overachievers have impressive resumes, not all do, for the reasons you mention. I think what makes an overachiever an overachiever is how intertwined their ego/self-worth is with their accomplishments. As you can see, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this while working on the book!
Thanks for sharing your story about your son. In the end, the fact that she enjoys her art is what matters, not how “perfect” it is. And this is, of course, how society breeds overachievers, because we don’t celebrate the lovers but the spotlight.
What a beautifully powerful video message you’ve created here Jen!
In the spirit of this world being no place for perfectionism…or for silence..I will share here that tears fell on my keypad as I listened, watched and recognised my story, your story…So many of our stories of trying to be more ‘right’ instead of wrong, more ‘perfect’ instead of strong..which only comes by having the courage to take risks, to make mistakes, to LIVE and learn instead of to ‘perfectly’ perform.
Whether we are under or over-achievers, so many of us are afflicted with this need to please, to be more ,do more, achieve more and to keep silent and shameful when we’re paralyzed by our fear of falling short, of making mistakes. It’s an exhausting and incredibly sad way to use up this precious life. Your daughter’s question and your response to it are remarkable.
Thanks for sharing this with all of us and for allowing your precious insight to become the pebble that ripples out to touch all of our lives.
“It’s a great day to make a mistake”!! WooHoo!….. How liberating is that:-)?!
Thanks for your note, Shaleen. I don’t know if you realize it, but it’s wonderfully melodic and dare I say poetic! This insight has changed my relationship with my daughter but also my life. I’m happy to share it with anyone who will give me the 4 min to listen. Liberate and celebrate!! 🙂
Hi Jen
Thanks for your article and bringing this to the fore front of my mind. I know recognise that I do this with my 2yr old son. When we’re building blocks or lego, I tend to take over a bit and sometimes move his pieces because I’m obsessed with the a certain outcome. Wow that is so powerful, I will definitely be letting go of that.
For myself I know perfectionism has a massive impact on my life and can relate to all the negative aspects you mentioned. For me perfectionism is making up for a lack I see in myself, if I can write the perfect assignment and get top marks then people will think I’m good and for a moment I feel like I’m enough.
Am just starting to realise, that I’m enough already and don’t have to prove myself to anyone. Let me tell you it is so so liberating, freeing!!! I don’t over think things as much, when I write it just flow, I feel more self expressed 🙂 Hoooray!!
Thanks again Jen for sharing, and will definitely try on your mantra with my son. Mistakes are cool!!
G xo
I think it’s good to remind yourself that you won’t be perfect in letting go of perfectionism either. That’s why the mantra “It’s a great day to make mistakes” is so powerful, b/c I NEED to hear it everyday. I still get frustrated at my daughter at the most minor, inconsequential things. The difference is that now she calls me on it. I apologize, we smile at each other, and repeat our mantra. Life is good!
I think you’re absolutely right about the origins of perfectionism. And yes, as I said to Shaleen, liberate and celebrate! Good to hear from you!
just like corrosion ruins metal.. perfectionism ruins your self confidence.. the day you start getting rid of your perfectionism is the day you start becoming self confident :)))
I always love a good metaphor. Thanks!
Thanks, Jen. You just reminded me of something my Mom used to say: “If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not doing anything!” Unfortunately, she never said it to ME. I only heard it from a cousin years later, quoting Mom reverently.
Hi Jen,
Thank you so much for sharing this discovery. What a beautifully simple concept that came from the mind of a child. And then you had the insight and wisdom to interpret and apply it in your own life.
Before watching this, I never realized the role that mistakes play in learning and especially in making life more interesting. I mean, I always thought that “failure”, in the case of adults, presents a learning opportunity.
But I never made the connection with the small mistakes that my children make as being an opportunity for them to learn, grow, and discover new things.
I’ll never forget this concept as I believe it will have a huge impact on my life, as well as the lives of my children. I’ll never see my children’s mistakes as something negative again.
You and your daughter have completely changed the way I view the world for the better!
I want to thank you both for that!!
Todd
Todd, thanks so much for taking the time to share that. I love that my daughter and I could play a role in helping you see your child’s mistakes (and hopefully also your own) as a good thing, not a negative. Let me know how things go!
I came home last night in tears…because I was disappointed in myself. It was my first speech in my public speaking class and my perfectionista came out I had received an A on the assignment, however, I was really upset about the things I didn’t do perfectly. When I got home, by boyfriend had your video loaded up on the internet…he noticed I was in tears and led me to the computer where he sat me down and played your video for me. It touched me so deeply I cried cries of relief when it was over. I love love love love your breakthrough…it will be one for me as well. Thank you so much. One Love.
Oh Chelsea! Gosh, I know that feeling so well, picking apart something that was good, that everyone else loved, and you can’t let go of the details that stand out in your mind, and usually only your mind. I’m so glad your bf had this ready for you. Sometimes the universe is looking out for us. Hugs!
Chelsea (and Jen),
This one struck the bone with me as well and I cried before the video was even over. I have projects and ideas sitting around on boards and post-it notes half done because of being afraid to finish and have them not be good enough. I spent half a day obsessing over the color of a throw rug for my son’s room. When I watched this I got that tell-tale lump in my throat, then the tears, then the feeling of relief, mostly that I am not along in this struggle, but also that there is something I can try to just let myself be and do.
BTW – your boyfriend is pretty cool. Love to all my fellow chronic procrastinators on the mend. Thank you Jen.
You can do it, Lisa. Forcing yourself to act in spite of irrational fears is a key life skill (one I don’t think we teach or demonstrate to our kids nearly enough). I find being open about my struggles with my daughter not only helps me follow through, but lets her know that it’s okay, even normal, to struggle. The point is to keep trying.
Wow Jennifer, this is great. It inspired me to share your video with my audience of home stagers (a career that attracts perfectionists if there ever was one!). I can already see that it has struck a chord with them too.
Thanks for making this and giving us such great examples. I especially like the distinction you make about the need to prioritize learning over performance, and how we kill our curiosity and creativity with our pursuit of perfection.
Thanks so much for sharing it on your blog. I’ll have to check the discussion. Of course it hadn’t occurred to me that home stagers would absolutely relate to this, but of course! And it’s so hard to “turn off” perfectionism once you’re off the job. It’s an interesting idea to think of all the other careers that likely have the same problem. Air traffic controllers?
Where else can one obsess about the perfect roll of a towel or the precise height of a painting? Yup, I’d say home stagers, interior designers, color consultants, air traffic controllers, surgeons, nurses and accountants would be a few of the many careers that would attract perfectionists. Oh and then there would be editors, cinematographers, wow, it’s almost endless when you think about it!
I love this video! This is a time of transition in my own life, and I am definitely in personal need of mantras to help me feel more free to experiment, be creative, and do things the wrong way. “It’s a great day to make a mistake!” has so much freedom in it. I am also the mother of a young son, and I love your commitment to help yourself change so that your daughter could experience a new freedom around mistakes. Brava to you – I’m excited to share this lovely video with friends.
Thanks, Jennifer. These mantras help a lot, and the best part of sharing them with your kids is that they WILL help you remember them. My daughter has taken to saying when I’m stressed, “But I thought you said you shouldn’t plan your day down to the last 15 min??” So innocent! LOL. Let me know how it goes. That’s what we’re here for!
This is extremely helpful for me personally. Great video too, thank you =)
Thanks so much!
Oh my goodness, this describes me to a T! I didn’t think I was a perfectionist until I read your description. I was always afraid of admitting a mistake because that would make me lesser of a person and perhaps people would think me less of a person. In fact, they would probably respect me more if I admitted I made a mistake or that I didn’t know the answer or that I was wrong. Wow!
It happens to the best of us, Genny. 🙂
Jennifer:
Thank you for the lovely and encouraging sentiment in your video. While viewing it, I had to chuckle. It made me think about my comments to a group of second year MBAs at well known institution. When asked to describe my mentoring style, I only offered that anyone interested in working with me must meet two requirements: 1. Ignorance, and 2. Failure. These are the conditions that make learning possible. Again, thank you for your contribution, as I will carry forward the commitment to making NEW mistakes (the old ones lose their charm).
Cheers,
David
David, your mentees are lucky people indeed!
Really enjoyed this video and would love to share with my husband, my in-laws, and even my son. This is a life long lesson. Perhaps our caveman primitive instinct of survival and fear of the unknown prevented us from trying new things and getting creative. Thus this behavior was passed through generations and keeping us from being creative nowadays. I was once a very artistic and creative person, and it slowly decreased through the years. I am trying again so hard to get it back, but it’s hard. My son has that in his eyes now, so much creativity, desire to wonder and to ask and learn. It’s beautiful. And my fear is that he’ll lose it as he grows, all in order to belong and fit into society…
Luciana, why not pursue your own creativity by having your son show you how? I think it is much easier to simply follow curiosity and wonder than to try hard to be creative when you are not feeling it. By making creativity a bond between you, I think he’ll be less likely to give it up later in life.
I just wanted to say I needed this. I have been struggling from perfectionism since I was a child, due to being encouraged to never make mistakes. My creativity was pretty much destroyed and I can never let myself enjoy something. I am trying to battle this, but it is hard. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay to make mistakes and I don’t have to be perfect.
Hi. Your video is like a barrel of cold water poured all over me. Its an eye opener. Im an accountant by profession and i am currently working as the head of a small holding company with quite a flat org structure. Ive always been trying to put out perfect work for the company but it seems i can no longer function well even if i still want to. Im burned out. One of the culprits, i believe, is the kind of standard i impose upon myself and my team members. Thanks for your video. Im currently on vacation trying to rethink things and to recover my lost energy and enthusiasm. Your video certainly made an impression. Thanks.
I’m so glad to hear that you’re taking a vacation, for one, and that you’re seriously rethinking your approach to perfectionism. These are big steps, in my experience, so make sure you give yourself credit! Perfectionism is probably one aspect of your lost enthusiasm and energy, but I might guess you are also suffering from overachievement. Overachievement is where you equate your self-worth with your achievements, and that is a vicious cycle you never win. It is absolutely exhausting, and perfectionism is often a side-product, as you think the perfect accomplishment will finally produce the acclaim, respect, love, or whatever outcome you’re truly seeking. I have a whole course dedicated to this issue called The Overachiever’s Guide to Meaningful Success, but here’s something you can try right now, which dovetails with the video. Try to tap into your curiosity and intrinsic motivation. While you’re on vacation in particular, only do the things you’re interested in, that give you energy instead of sapping it. What are those things? Take note of them, and every day, try to grow your list. It’s takes a long time to recover from real burn-out, but it can be done. You don’t necessarily have to lower your standards as much as you need to explore and do things for the joy of the activity, rather than the result.
Hope that helps!