Letting Go, Even When You Don’t Want To
I t’s gutting, isn’t it?
You’ve finally found that thing that makes you feel giddy and alive—maybe it’s a job, or a place, or a person you think you could spend the rest of your life with.
And then, bang. It’s over.
Maybe you were fired. Maybe your positioned is being moved to Newark. Maybe they just weren’t that into you. Whatever the reason, someone else has decided the good times are over and there’s nothing you can do about it.
When you’re in the middle of that pain, you can’t help but wonder: what if that was as good as it gets?
Will I have to settle for something that will always feel less than?
In a little over a month, my family and I will be leaving London and moving to Seattle. For months I battled a sense of melancholy (otherwise known as quiet despair). I tried again and again to find a way to stay, but in the end, I just couldn’t make it work. Deep in my heart, I knew returning to the States was the right decision for our family.
I just wasn’t happy about it.
You see, London is not just a cool, international city. It is a place where my family has formed a deep community. My life is overflowing with friends, interesting people, and fellow writers and entrepreneurs. I have work I love, people I love spending time with, and a lifestyle I love. I work hard, and maybe for the first time, I play hard.
I’ll admit it. A part of me is afraid life will never be this good again.
That’s when I realized I needed to let go. And it didn’t have to be as hard as I was making it.
Finding something you love is the hard part, but not for the reason we think. We tell ourselves that we’re searching for something unique, rare. It’s the needle in the haystack theory of love. The soul mate myth.
The reason it’s hard to find what you love is that there are simply so many possibilities.
The good part about finding something you love, even if it’s now over, is that you know it exists. And that means you have have a much better chance of finding it again.
Once you realize the possibilities are plentiful, you can stop feeling like you’re at love’s mercy.
In my case, I realized England doesn’t have the lock on beautiful places to vacation or cities where one can happily live without a car. London isn’t the only source of good schools, theaters, neighborhoods, or concerts. In fact, these experiences have opened my eyes to how replicable they are.
The end is just a gateway to a new beginning.
I can’t say if Seattle will be the place that rivals London, although many people who know me have predicted I’ll like it there. But I do have a pretty good idea of what I’m looking for now. And that makes me pretty certain that the lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed has more to do with my attitude and approach to life than where I live.
Personally, I’m ready to celebrate my new beginning. So I decided to host a free party for any readers or clients who can make it to London on Saturday, June 14. The event is completely free to attend, but to get an idea how many people to expect, I’m asking people to register via the button below.
The event will be super casual. We’ll be hanging out in the top floor café at Waterstones bookstore at Picadilly, where they have some great nibbles and usually plenty of room.
This is not just a chance to say good-bye, but also a chance to help you celebrate your own new beginnings. Not sure what those might be?
Let’s chat about it.
Change, even when it’s positive, is never easy.
I wish you all the best for your transition and your new adventure.
Wish I could make the party in London. There are always new beginnings to celebrate … and anticipate. Sounds like fun!
🙂
Thanks, Jamie! I think I’ll try to do more of these once I’m back in the States. I have never regretted meeting up with a reader.
And I love your addition of anticipate. That’s another good perspective, since I am apparently addicted to anticipation. 🙂
Well, if you’re ever in the Boston area …
🙂
I know you will shine brightly wherever you go ! I love your spirit and you always inspire me ! Looking forward to hearing how life is for you in Seattle ! xoxo hope you come to Santa Fe one day
You know, I don’t know that I’ve ever been to Santa Fe. Maybe when the book comes out!
Wish I could join you for the party! 🙂 I’m hosting one for my birthday this week – celebrating 2 years of living in Alabama. It was a really good feeling to realize that – even though I’m an introvert who misses her longtime friends – I’d made connections and wanted to invite more people to the party than could fit comfortably in our space. As you noted, happiness and community aren’t found only in one special place – they’re all around. 🙂
Happy birthday! Isn’t that a wonderful feeling, when you realize you have too many friends for a party? We had the same thing. Made me feel wonderful. Thanks for being part of *this* community!
I love your level of personal insight. What a wonderful read.
Thanks, Kate. 😉
I also loved your stories of London. What a fantastic experience! I think you will enjoy Seattle too! It’s a very neat city. I will be curious to hear your comparison on both cities after you have some time to get to know Seattle! I hope you find all the happiness there and more. 🙂
You know I had planned to write this long retrospective of London. There are so many stories I haven’t told here on the blog because they didn’t seem relevant. Maybe I’ll make it into a little ebook sometime. I feel like I learned so much about the world and myself while here. And maybe what I’m feeling is a kind of fear, like “What if this was the pinnacle? What if it’s all downhill from here?” It’s funny how silly our fears sound when we bring them out into the open. 🙂
I’m so glad you had a brilliant experience in London. Can’t believe it’s over but I’m sure new adventures await you in Seattle. The first year is always hard once the excitement of the move is over but you’ll soon settle in and do it all over again but probably better this time 😉
I can’t believe it’s over either! Sorry I didn’t get to see you while here, but I think I’m going to be a lot closer in Seattle. In any event, I’ve been saving all my Oz/Kiwi trips for when I move back. Plan for a visit!
I really loved your post. It resonates with me as I moved back to Sydney from Leeds, in the North of England 7 years ago. I left great friends and a sense of community I haven’t managed to replicate here. I sincerely hope your experience is different and I heard Seattle is a fantastic place, full of possibilities. I’m still curious though, if you had all that you had; work, friends, lifestyle, what didn’t work for you in London? All the best!
Well, the long and the short of it is that my husband’s salary was the one paying the bills here. He is going to retire from the US military, and we agreed he can and should take a year off. That was a non-negotiable for both of us. But that would mean either my business would need to make up the difference in income, we’d have to draw from savings, or we’d have to move somewhere much less expensive. I realized that, given those options, life wouldn’t be the same even if we stayed. So I guess to answer your question, the only thing that “didn’t work” was my husband! LOL
It’s hard to let go of what you have and it can be scary to dive into something new.
But on the other hand you’ll get excited and have new stuff going on in your life.
Isn’t this what life is all about: experiencing as much as possible before you die.
Anyway, have fun at the party!
Good luck
– Martijn Nanne
Good point, Martijn. I do believe life is adventure, and the more we embrace it this way, the more we enjoy it. Good perspective. Thank you!
This was a very thoughtful and timely post, thank you!
I don’t want to be a naysayer, but I do want to share my experience — and that is that some things really ARE the best and they can’t be replicated. I recently left a job I loved for one I don’t like as much. The reality is, at the end of my life, one job will have been my favorite and others will be lesser. Same with cities, apartments, friends, lovers, communities, etc. I guess I’ve come to terms with the idea that my favorite job is now behind me — freeing me to seek the “best of” in some other area of my life.
I wish YOU a new “best of” in Seattle.
Bette,
It’s a good point. When you get to the end, you may find that one was your favorite and could not be beaten. But that doesn’t necessarily mean the others were poor. I think when you’re in the middle of the transition, you think “If it isn’t this as good, it’s not any good.” It’s that darn all or nothing thinking that gets you.
Your thought on friends brings up another point–at least for me, I don’t have one best friend. I have friends who are the best at some aspect I am looking to bring in my life. Some are funnier than others, some are deep thinkers, some push me to be more adventurous. So I suspect that choosing “the best” is difficult for not just friends, but all things. Everything has its own list of pros/cons. So maybe it’s about getting past a certain threshold of goodness, and anything beyond that is mostly gravy?
Thank you for the well wishes in Seattle. If nothing else, I feel certain Seattle will make the threshold, even if it never supplants my memories of London. You cannot imagine the number of union jack memorabilia I feel drawn to purchase right now. 🙂
I’m sorry you’re leaving the UK and I hope to make it on the 14th.
I’m often making things more difficult for myself and love your line:
“That’s when I realized I needed to let go. And it didn’t have to be as hard as I was making it.”
We live in our choices and I try to remember to practice mindfulness as much as I can. In a moment, I could be literally anywhere in the world but just hearing the springs on the trampoline as my kids bounce makes me happy. A look, a taste, in the experience I am home.
I wish you all the best in your latest adventure.
What a gem!: “Once you realize the possibilities are plentiful, you can stop feeling like you’re at love’s mercy.”
Love’s mercy: Oh my gosh, there’s only one! Oh my! And I can’t find it, my purpose, my love, my … my … all!
Wow, how I’ve done this with so much of life; so much in life. I love so many things and yet still continue to search for the pinnacle … thing. That which I was MADE for!
How romanticized. Because in the never ending search could it just be avoidance? Avoiding diving into what’s right in front of me? Could it be …
Fear?
Anyway, on to your move: Perhaps the new thing will be better, or worse. But those are subjective, blanket appraisals, no? It may be a mix. Always is it seems. And it’s the uncertainty that’s so uncomfortable.
But I think that wherever your path leads you, you’ll find that it’s awesome! Because, Jen, that’s what you bring to it and what you freely give away….
I think this may be my favorite response to a blog post ever. Thank you for understanding so completely what I was saying here. I can see I really should write a whole new post on this subject–one line probably isn’t enough to really sink in for most people how prevalent and sinister this kind of thinking is (and one that I too have been prone to). I should have added that the universe is making things easier for me by slamming me with a bank scam and a rash of muggings in my neighborhood. I’ve loved every minute of my time in London, but now it’s time to move on. I’m looking forward to it.
Jen, thanks so much for your kind words. I would love to see you expand on this at some point. I need the advice! 😉
Yes, doesn’t it seem that when we need a push, subtle hints come our way? Sometimes not so subtle!!
I wish you all the best!
It seems we are both into transitions. We are halfway to Cape May, after selling our house in Philadelphia. Now we are preparing to sell the one in Ocean City and begin, yet again, in Cape May.
I like to think of it as another adventure. Status quo can be boring, don’t you think?
I hope you love your new digs!
b
I love that, Barbara. Yes, maybe the goal is not greatness, after all, but the avoidance of spending too much time in the status quo. Good luck with your transition as well!
Wish I could be in London. It is a beautiful city. I am glad you are living fully. You are right that it is important to let go. Who knows how the future will play so no point really in worrying about since it will just cause useless anxiety. I hope the party goes well.
Thanks, Sebastian!
I think I know how you might feeling. I have lived in Barcelona for ten years and for different reasons I will move to Germany. I love Barcelona and it is as you said: My life is very rich here and I am very grateful for all these years. Hard to let go.
I trust that I had my part in all this richness and what I learned is what I am able to take with me. The blessing from my friends here, all the good wishes, the joy of some important people over there, that are looking forward to having me there, also help me to go with an open heart.
It´s human: If we didn´t decide from the first moment, that this is what we want,if circumstances somehow decided, we feel that we have to resist. Funny creatures…
I wish you all the best, for sure Seattle will be happy about a bright person like you.:)
I love the way you say it: I trust that I had my part in all this richness and what I learned is what I am able to take with me. That is it exactly. And I can understand not wanting to leave Barcelona either–though I never made it there, I’ve heard such wonderful things. But I feel certain that what you are carrying in your heart is even more wonderful and rare. Perhaps I’ll see you in Germany for the book tour. Keep in touch and good luck in your transition!
i’m definitely learning the letting go lesson right now! i also don’t have a place to live and am thinking about my ‘where to next’ place. i’d like to settle down for awhile in SE Asia but still not sure where. it’s giving me some anxiety… having a place to live and picking the ‘right’ place, etc. but i don’t have to decide it all now. and i can always tweak along the way. so just let go and enjoy the moments!
Janet,
It’s so true. When you can live anywhere, how do you decide what’s the “perfect” place? What criteria do you use? This is def the anxiety that comes from the paradox of choice. I like the idea of tweaking as you go–how else will we know what’s important until we experience it? Good luck finding a great place to live!
Hi Jennifer Gresham, your video The perfectionism cure – Everyday Bright, inspired me to write about a part of my heart that you touched. I share about the challenges I am facing and fear of….help or hinder my life. For a glimpse of my fears/ mistakes, read my weekly message to the world and I finish it with your video. Thanks for helping me to write…page one! Jim “Sunday Morning Coffee with Jim.” http://jimscoffee.wordpress.com/
Thanks for the support, Jim, and best wishes on your continued journey!
I feel the same way right now, Jen! I will probably be purchasing a home, but I kind of love the apartment I have right now, even though I’m renting it. I know the decision is for the right reasons, but I can’t help but think, will the next one be just this good?
You make such a good point about letting go. I think it creates the space for other amazing things to make their way into your life. So brave 🙂
Welcome to the neighbourhood. I’m just up past the border in Vancouver – the Northwest is a great place to live (I was going to comment on the rain, but you’re probably used to that by now). Lots of good food, art, culture coming your way very soon!
Jennifer-I am new to your blog and thoroughly enjoying it. First of all, thank you to your husband for his service to our country. Secondly, thank you for this post. For me, the change that was tough for me was not a location move but a job loss/change. Like you, it needed to happen. Unlike you, I pissed and moaned about it way too long. Where was this blog 3 years ago???? Happy to say, I am now pursuing my dream….a dream I would have kept on the back burner forever if not for leaving a job that I thought was “as good as it gets.” Thank you! -Mary Lynn
Mary Lynn,
Thanks so much for your message and welcome to Everyday Bright! Looks like you and I were making our transitions about the same time. I left the Air Force myself in 2010, and that’s where this all began. Here’s to the dreams that kick you in the butt to someplace better! LOL. What career are you pursuing now?
Jennifer, I am working with Barrie D and getting my blogging/coaching/writing/speaking business off the ground. Barrie is awesome. I wanted to (believe it or not) continue to piss and moan to her about leaving my old job BEFORE I got on with planning my future. She listened for about 2 1/2 minutes and said, “Okay, where do you want to go from here?” The pity party was OVER. I have been working with her on building my website, blog writing, and I even know what SEO means! My blog is going to be about Overcoming Adversity. I am really excited about it. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my comment. Are you even unpacked yet? Your story is an inspiration to me. Thank you again. Mary Lynn
LOL. That’s funny. Yes, Barrie is no-nonsense. I like that about her.
Not unpacked, as nothing has yet arrived! I’m sitting on the floor as I write this. 🙂