Mental Tricks to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed
I was reading a list of goals from a client and nearly laughed out loud. I work with a lot of overachievers, but I thought this was perhaps the most ridiculously overambitious list yet.
But I didn’t want to say that directly. I wanted him to figure that out for himself. So I told him to add up how many hours he thought each task would take to accomplish and report back to me.
He estimated it would take him approximately 15 hours a day over the next 90 days to accomplish the goals he’d described. And he was completely unfazed at the prospect. In fact, it would be difficult to describe his emotional state as anything other than eager.
This was an interesting response considering that when I asked him to choose one word to describe his 2015, he replied, “Overwhelmed.”
This is a man who loves his work. He also happens to be exceptionally good at it. When I asked him what he would do with more free time if he had it, he had a hard time coming up with a response. The idea of relaxing on a beach or getting lost in a book wasn’t unappealing, but those activities had a hard time competing with his passion-based business.
That interaction got me to thinking. Is there a meaningful difference between overwhelmed and busy? And is it possible that the trick to stop feeling overwhelmed had nothing to do with how busy you are?
You don’t have to justify your calendar
Busy bashing has become popular among the media (occasionally myself included–mea culpa).
The idea is that busyness is at best a failure of prioritization or time management or at worst the mark of someone who is afraid to face themselves in the stillness of rest. It conjures images of professionals who get ahead but miss out on life. Or frenetic moms who sacrifice too much in order to shuttle their over-scheduled kids from one activity to the next.
In my experience, however, feeling overwhelmed is not only different from feeling busy, the two are nearly unrelated.
That is, feeling overwhelmed has very little to do with how many appointments are on your calendar and everything to do with your state of mind. In the now classic book Flow, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi explains:
“Contrary to what we usually believe, the best moments in our lives, are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times— although such experiences can also be enjoyable, if we have worked hard to attain them. The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.”
Thus, being busy won’t make you feel overwhelmed if the activities are personally meaningful, largely intrinsically motivated, and within your capability. Seen in this light, a simplified version of the relationship between our mental states and the tasks before us might look like this:
So burnout, or what I would equate to feeling overwhelmed, is really the result of a mismatch between one’s skills and one’s goals. To move from burnout to flow, you either need to increase your skills or reduce the level of difficulty.
But here’s the really important part: your perception of the challenge and your effective skills is what matters most. And your perception can be influenced by a number of factors, such as:
- How tired you are
- Your relative skill level compared to those around you
- The most recent feedback received on your performance
I know when I’m feeling overwhelmed, my first instinct is to quit some of my commitments. And I feel very justified doing this because we are bombarded with the message that people today are over-committed and unfocused. But what this graph tells you is that it’s equally likely you just need a good night’s sleep or a small win, and your perception of the situation will change literally overnight.
For example, if I get a “no” from several potential coaching clients in a row, I sometimes start to feel overwhelmed. I either doubt my ability as an entrepreneur or look to pare back the number of things I’m working on. But usually all I need is a single yes in order to feel like all is right in my world again.
The lesson for me is that there’s nothing wrong with pursuing challenging goals or being busy. Quite the contrary, for someone like me, those are optimal experiences that I should, and do, look forward to, just like my client. The trick to stop feeling so overwhelmed is to understand how to move back into the flow or relaxation quadrants without feeling like you have to make massive changes in your life.
I’m getting better at it. Last night, after a day of intense work, I offered to clean the dishes for my husband. It’s not an activity I usually enjoy, but it was exactly what I needed: 30 minutes of an easy task for which I have high skill. Afterwards I was rejuvenated enough to go back to work, capping off a busy, but enjoyable 10-hour day.
So the next time you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, ask whether you have a challenge problem, a skill problem, or a perception problem.
And before you try to answer that question, make sure you’ve had some rest.
Morning, Jen, and Happy New Year!
It’s been a while & I’ve missed you. 🙂
I just wanted to thank you for this post. I’ve been in a bit of a funk, or maybe “malaise” is the more accurate term; but it wasn’t until I read your post that I really started to get my head around why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling.
You see, for the first time in a LONG time, I’ve recently had some extended down time. The timing was perfect, since it coincided with the holidays, but I was surprised at how I felt after several days of being able to sleep in and spend hours reading and more or less do nothing. Instead of rested and relaxed, I felt lethargic, aimless, and overwhelmed.
At first, I attributed my mood to the facts that a) the unexpected downtime was the result of having been fired for the first time in my life (details here: https://nhwn.wordpress.com/2016/01/03/weekend-edition-a-writers-new-year/) and b) because I’d slowed down to almost a complete halt my mind was suddenly quiet enough that I could not avoid some Big Questions in my life. I still think that’s part of it, but having read your post, I also now think that my feelings have been driven by a general sense of being unproductive/incapable.
I’m typically a very busy person, but for the most part I enjoy the “dance” of my days – twirling and sashaying between my responsibilities & joys as a mom, daughter, friend, writer, marketer, volunteer, and creative. Even though I may be “running” from early in the morning until late at night, if I’m happy and confident in my actions, I might be physically tired, but I crawl into bed content and satisfied.
Though I have enjoyed these recent days on the couch watching movies and reading books and generally goofing off (even though the majority of them were also spent nursing my 11 yr-old daughter who spent her whole Christmas vacation sick on the couch), it’s only now that I’m getting back online, starting to go through emails, and revving my engines back up on the work side of my life that I’m starting to shake off the feeling of being “unmoored,” if you know what I mean.
Being busy just to be busy is not good for anyone, but doing nothing just to do nothing is, I think, equally dangerous. I’m definitely still figuring out the right balance, but thanks for sharing your insights – they were very helpful to me!
You always say things so eloquently, Jaime (no surprise there–you’re a writer!). I love this: Being busy just to be busy is not good for anyone, but doing nothing just to do nothing is, I think, equally dangerous. Of course, it’s worth noting that nobody sets out to be busy just to be busy. They feel like all those activities are necessary and in many cases, they aren’t. I know for entrepreneurs in particular, they busy themselves with easy tasks, where they feel they easily have the necessary skills, and put off work that might move their business forward due to a perceived lack of skill (or fear of rejection, which might be too great a challenge). This model helped me understand so much about why I personally get overwhelmed and how to either fix it or weather it. So glad I could share it with you!
The more I sit with your post, the more I realize I’ve been “going with the flow” too much with my business. I’ve been falling into the age-old trap: the allure of the path of least resistance. Yep. I go for those low hanging fruit and justify my actions eight ways to Sunday, even though I know in my heart that I’m ultimately doing myself a disservice … apparently not just professionally, but personally and emotionally as well.
Good thing to start sorting through as the New Year unfolds. A little uncomfortable, but Good. 😉
TKS!
Know that you’re not alone, Jamie!
Hi Jen,
This was EXACTLY what I needed to read. It really helped realign my perspective as to underlying reasons for why I’m feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I also wanted to add that post-vacation, I sometimes get a little sad. Maybe it’s just the transition back could be gentler, or fatigue from traveling, or the gray weather in the winter. At any rate, it’s really interesting that your post showed up exactly when I could relate to it. Thank you so much!
Happy to be of service, Frances. Any time! 🙂
Jen, this post was spot-on and super-helpful – thank you! It helped me to understand why I sometimes feel overwhelmed with certain projects and how to transition back into flow. Brava. 🙂
I’m so glad it was helpful!
Jen, I’m reading your post and am simultaneously nodding my head in agreement. I can relate to so much in it. I’ve experienced numerous times just what you write, after feeling overwhelmed getting ‘back on track’ just requires that one yes.
I know! I’m always thinking I have to overhaul, cut back, and be more realistic, but really? I’m just scared. 🙂
Hi Jenn, I agree 100%, so many of us are not getting the rest we need and we definitely need to be more gentle in how we treat our bodies and minds.
Jen, I can’t agree more with this post.
When I was still an engineer consultant, the work was both challenging and time consuming. I once doubt if I was just a lazy person since I felt burnout every single day and pray for the weekend to come. Now that I left the job to start working for myself, I’m looking at the world in a completely different way. Of course the work is still challenging (even more) and I’m definitely not working lesser hours, but I’m passionate everyday and sometime don’t even realize it’s Friday already. I’m not even making money yet for my own business, but I’m not overwhelmed at all.
“Burnout is really the result of a mismatch between one’s skills and one’s goals.” So true!
I’m really enjoying your blog a lot. Thanks!
Thanks, Wuyen. Just be cognizant of this as time goes on. It’s really really easy to work too hard, too long when you love your work. You do need to visit the relaxation quadrant every once in a while as well to keep yourself out of burnout.