7 Unexpected Reasons You’re Not Living Up to Your Potential
It’s frustrating, isn’t it?
When you were a kid, you knew you’d do something amazing one day. Maybe nothing so grandiose as curing cancer (although you didn’t rule it out). But you’d be respected and known throughout your field. You’d look with satisfaction and pride at your work, whatever it was, and know you’d made a tiny dent in the universe.
But it just hasn’t happened and you’re not sure why.
You’re working hard, really hard actually. But year after year goes by, and that next level of influence and impact doesn’t get any closer. And you’re about to give up on the dream all together.
I get it. Teachers and family frequently told me, “You’re going to be great someday.” They meant to be encouraging, but as I got older (and discovered how hard it is to be “great”), I started feeling like I was behind where I was supposed to be in life. It made me anxious that I wasn’t living up to the potential everyone else seemed to see in me. Why wasn’t I celebrity yet? Why did I still feel ordinary and average? Wasn’t I supposed to be further along professionally by now?
I worked on that anxiety for a number of years, redefining success for myself and focusing on creating the life I wanted to live. That was good psychologically, but I was still struggling to actually achieve my goals … until last year.
Last year was a pivotal one for me in terms of personal and professional growth. My business grew by leaps and bounds, allowing me to increase the amount I contribute to the family finances 4-fold. During the same time period, I embraced long-term healthy eating habits and started exercising 2-3 times per week, every week. I even took the entire month of June off, going back to England to see all our favorite faces and places.
I’d never felt so good about what I was doing, how I was doing it, and the impacts I was having. The anxiety and doubt that plagues overachievers like me was mostly quiet.
It felt like I was stepping into my own greatness, a greatness that already existed, rather than trying to achieve it.
And when I did that, I unexpectedly hit a hidden tipping point that made everything I was trying to accomplish a lot easier.
The conventional advice on success largely holds us back. Here are 7 reasons you’re still not where you want to be in life, and how to (finally) arrive.
Reason #1: You’re stuck in the superhero myth
From an early age, we’re taught to succeed on our own merits. Getting help on the test, after all, is cheating. And only one person can win the award or snag the promotion.
But at some point I realized living up to your potential didn’t mean you had to figure everything out on your own.
Pretty much every professional athlete or singer invests in a coach. If people who were performing at their top of their game and were world-renowned experts in their field saw benefits in hiring a coach, what could they do for me? So I hired a business coach and a personal trainer, and both accelerated my progress far beyond my expectations.
I swore I would never be without a coach again when it came to something really important to my life goals. Independence is overrated. (Want a coach yourself? I might be able to help.)
Reason #2: You’re overwhelmed by the non-essential
I’m not just talking about spending time scrolling through Facebook or watching too much television. The problem is you’re too busy to see the important work you’re hiding from.
Maybe the important work scares you. Maybe you don’t know how to do what you know you need to do.
What my experience taught me was that even high achievers waste a ton of time (and feel overwhelmed) by trying to simply muscle their way to success.
When you force yourself to slow down, it’s easier to see what’s working and what is a waste of time. Regularly schedule time to pull yourself out of your to-do list and get perspective on what you really want and the best way to get it from a range of options.
Reason #3: You’re too focused on the prize
We’re hardwired to get pleasure from external rewards, but it’s dangerous (and all too easy) to let validation become your driving force. When the balance between your extrinsic and intrinsic motivation gets out of whack, you can find yourself pursuing goals and outcomes you never personally intended.
Recent research also suggests an overdose of extrinsic motivation can have long-term negative effects on motivation, persistence, and performance—snuffing out the enjoyment from activities that once interested you.
Another key to my business success this past year was paying attention to the activities that brought me the most joy, and focusing on them. Even if you’re not an entrepreneur calling the shots in your own business, most jobs have different components to the work. Maybe that means spending more time solving problems, creating personal connections, or digging into the data. Whatever it is, making sure you’re getting regular doses of work that lights you up is the surest way to get both satisfaction and success.
Reason #4: You’re neglecting your most important asset
Last year, I did something that felt pretty radical for an overachiever like me: I made my health and well-being my number one priority. That decision was partly driven by my diabetes diagnosis, but overhauling my diet, exercise and sleep routines has done a lot more than reverse my blood sugar.
I expected to have more energy (and I do), but what really surprised me was my increased grit and resilience. My emotions were more even keeled and instead of being depressed by life’s inevitable setbacks, I saw them as a challenge to try again.
Jonathan Fields once told me, “If you’re the kind of person who thinks you don’t have time to exercise, you’re exactly the person who needs it most.” He was right, and that applies across the board when it comes to self-care. These days, I frame my health and well-being as a duty and obligation. It turns out that, as an overachiever, duty is a lot easier for me to stay committed to than the general idea of health, as good as that idea is.
Reason #5: You’re too biased towards action
You’ve probably heard that the saying, “What got you here won’t get you there.” The idea is that if you want to take things to the next level, you’re going to need a different strategy from the one that got you where you are today.
But that’s hard to wrap your mind around for a couple of reasons. First, we’ve been rewarded for the strategy we’ve already pursued. It’s familiar and we know it works—why change? Second, finding a new strategy often takes time—it requires brainstorming and discussing and experimenting. During that time, it can feel like you aren’t doing anything because you aren’t producing any concrete results. And that makes you uncomfortable.
Strategy setting involves taking stock of where you are, where you want to go, the pros and cons of the various options that will get you there, and the obstacles that could derail you if you aren’t careful. By its very nature, it’s messy. But it’s also one of the highest value activities you can engage in, because if you don’t understand what will move the needle, you’ll either spin your wheels or waste time on dead ends.
Reason #6: You’re trying to replicate someone else’s success
Everyone has talents, but not everyone uses and nurtures them. The biggest reason? People tend to take their natural talents for granted. So much so, you may not even realize what they are.
For example, like many early entrepreneurs, I thought I’d quit my job and create an online business. I’m a pretty decent writer, so creating an internet business centered around my blog seemed like a no-brainer. For years I did just that, but with decidedly average results.
It turned out my real superpower wasn’t internet marketing, but my ability to connect with people one-on-one and help bring clarity and structure to their problem-solving. My business struggled for years because I thought I needed to replicate other people’s strategies for entrepreneurial success. When I focused on my unique strengths, progress toward my goals felt practically inevitable.
Reason #7: You’re dull (well, someone had to tell you)
You’ve heard the adage that “all work and no play make Jack a dull boy.” It turns out that saying is true and scientists have the brain scans to prove it. Research shows that engaging in playful activities actually changes the structure of your brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex, which plays a strong role in regulating emotions, making plans, and solving problems.
Play is not something you do when you’ve checked off your to-do list or once you retire. Play is about momentarily suspending the rules and responsibility that can weigh us down and make us think more narrowly than we need to. Play is the mother of creativity and innovation. Incorporate more play time into both your personal and professional life and you’ll reveal opportunities that have previously eluded you.
Creating the life you always knew you were capable of isn’t easy, but with these 7 tips, it should never be a chore.
Great article! I’m so happy that you had such a successful coaching experience. I am a coach and it’s always great to here stories like this.
This is so well written. Thank you for the great advice. I too may not be playing to my strengths because I’m trying to replicate someone’s else’s success. Something for me to think about. Thanks!!
Bob,
I think the difficulty is that it’s not always clear how to apply your strengths for the particular goal you’re pursuing. So much of what’s out there is, “Look at what I did! Copy me and you can do it too!” It’s easy to get blinders. So one of the things I often do with my clients is to have them brainstorm all the different ways they could accomplish something and then match one or more of those options to their strengths. I just needed a coach to do that for me too! LOL
I love this! I’ve definitely felt that way – that I’ve failed to live up to my potential. I especially love that you talk about the importance of play – too many of us forget about that as we grow up. I’d love to hear more about how you’ve incorporated play into your life, and the impact it’s had on you!
Derrick,
It’s not easy, is it? Some of it is habit. But I have many clients who have simply lost the play instinct and have forgotten how to reignite it. It’s like anything else in a sense, you have to exercise the muscle or risk losing its power. But you bring up a good point. Perhaps I should write a whole post on different ways I’ve coaxed myself into being more playful. Thanks for the idea!
Very useful! As a yoga teacher and practitioner of energy healing, I do a lot of coaching myself. This article gives great tips, and pointers to important aspects that get overlooked. For example, how many grownups think seriously about incorporating some play into their lives? No wonder stressed related pathologies have reached epidemic proportions. This article offer great tips for better living, and I’ll use it as a resource. Thank you!
Daniela, I hear you. I think working with my personal trainer has been a huge push towards playfulness for me. The workouts themselves are physically hard, so that reduces the stress. But she also makes the workouts fun (my husband calls is circus sports), which makes me better able to slip into that playful spirit. Once you’ve done that for the day, it’s much easier to tap it again when you need it. Thanks for sharing the post and doing work the world desperately needs!
Hello Jennifer, I thoroughly enjoyed your article. I totally agree with you in relation to focusing on our health and wellbeing. Last year I started to eat ‘clean’ and get up at 5.00am to go to the gym. Although I’ve always exercised and been conscious of food choices this ‘new’ regime completely reenergised me. As for play – what a great tip. We hear a lot about mindfulness, relaxation and meditation but not so much about play. We recently started dancing lessons so with any luck that will get my creative juices flowing too (and not just in my feet!).
Thanks again,
Helen
Thanks, Helen! The dancing sounds like a terrific way to add more fun and play to your life. I use my kitchen as a disco, so not much need for lessons for me… LOL
So many good points here Jennifer and if I had to choose one to focus on it would be #5. So many of us are focused on taking action, any action, not necessarily the right action. The one that leads towards fulfillment of dreams.
Thanks for the reminders.
I agree, Elle. And our society encourages that behavior by its rigid focus on results. One of my mentors once told me, “I do my best work when I’m staring out a window.” It’s always stuck with me.
I’m not quite sure what I expected when I started your article, but the beginning story really struck me hard. I have also gone through the whole over-achiever thing since childhood.
Always high expectations, as much from myself as from others. And a big fear of failing to meet them. Or blaming myself along the way when I don’t.
So when I started reading through your specific reasons, I found your points to be incredibly actionable. They don’t seem too difficult. It was more along the lines of “why didn’t I realize that and how it was holding me back?”
Maybe I need a success coach, too!
Susan,
Well, that’s the thing, they’re deceptively simple, aren’t they? On the one hand, they’re incredibly actionable and easy to implement. But you really have to address the mindset that’s preventing their implementation in the first place. I work with a lot of overachievers on these issues and they’re often shocked by the mindset problems that have been holding them back (and in some cases, ruining their lives). They’re hard to recognize because overachievers are typically so traditionally successful, they think they don’t need help. Happy to talk about how I might be able to help if you’re interested!
You’ve given me a lot to think about! I especially need to focus on #6.
At some point I realized that comparing my business and trying to follow the formulas of 20-something men without children was unlikely to work. 🙂
Hi Jennifer,
Such a great post! It took me a long time to realize only one winner and one promotion. I tried to figure it out by myself and failed…more than once. Then I invested in a coach to help me figure it out and it worked like a charm.
A great coach can make such a huge difference. Seems so obvious in retrospect, and it can take some time to find the right match. But gosh, talk about time well spent! I wish I’d realized that earlier.
That was awesome or should I say alarming. I’m definitely seeing myself in a lot of those points but I’m on sailing the high seas of adventure and looking for new routes to chart on my way to amazing things ahead. Thanks for this post. I think I’ll print this and put it on the wall. It’s that special… 🙂
Thank you, Peter. That means a lot to me. 🙂
A brilliant read. Thanks Jennifer.
You’re so welcome. Glad you enjoyed it.
Super piece and just what I needed to read right now! I can’t believe I’m saying this but… 6 out 7 of these apply to me, directly. At 62 I’m still searching for what will happen “when I grow up” and redefining success every other day. I still haven’t nailed it. Your post will help me articulate my path better – thank you!
Leyla,
Glad to be of service. I do think that our personal definition of success is an evolving and flexible definition. But the foundations are usually pretty consistent. If you’re ever interested, I have an entire course that helps people nail those foundations for themselves. It’s never too late! 🙂
Inspiring post Jennifer!
“I started feeling like I was behind where I was supposed to be in life.” This line really resonated with me. Especially when I read all the “success stories” of “great people” who achieved something amazing in their twenties, and instead of motivated, I felt like crap knowing I’m nowhere close to where I “should be” and I’m already almost 30.
All 7 reasons are important, but #5 really stood out for me. It’s hard to find the balance between when to plan and when to just take action. I remember Jon Morrow saying that it will easily take him up to 10 hrs of planning before he spend 1 hr writing. But on the contrary, the world is also full of “planners” who never start taking action.
A well-developed strategy can simplify the whole process and set you on the right direction, but at some point we also need to tell ourselves to ignore all the doubt and just push on. How would you identify the sweet spot to transit between the two phases?
Thanks for the sharing your insight!
What I tell my clients is that they need to be able to answer the question: what do I really need to know in order to make a decision? This is a deceptively simple question. When it comes to career change, for example, my entire 8-week course is essentially centered on answering that question! But I also tell my students that you can’t figure everything out solely in your head. You have to test assumptions. You need data, not just emotions. So wherever possible, I encourage people to think about what tests and data they can use to inform their decisions as well. I don’t know if I ever recommend “doubt-ignoring” per se. Many doubts serve a useful and valid purpose, but that’s different than feeling nervous or even afraid. However, if you know that you have to back up any doubts with data, well, there’s only a few ways to do that, and that usually means taking action sooner than you feel ready to do. Does that help? It’s sometimes hard to answer these questions in the abstract.
Yes, totally agree.
Taking measurement is the key. Although we can’t be 100% risk-free for taking any action, but having a tracking sequence with a baseline protection can at least prevent the worst from happening.
Thanks for the reply!
Great article Jennifer!
I like that number three hints at focusing on the journey to our goals and not just the outcomes. It’s what I’ve been trying to convince myself to do in the past few weeks. Your article just reminds to keep trying harder.
Thanks for sharing!
Cheers,
Nelu
Fabulous post, especially the bold way you just tell it as it is, Jen. I’m so glad to see the new site (maybe not so new). I LOVE the new look and feel. You just raised the bar yet again. Keep writing, my brilliant friend. I’m linking to this in a blog post (yes you heard right!) I’m writing today!!!
Thanks my friend! So glad you like the new look, we’re still tweaking here and there, but I’m loving it too. And yay for new writing!
Wow! I was interested in the topic of this article, but wasn’t expecting it to be SO GOOD! This hit home on many levels. Thank you.
Thanks, Melissa! Which reason spoke to you the most?
Thanks for your reply! I would say being biased towards action and trying to replicate success. I notice that I can get stalled by thinking that the ideas, thoughts, and strategies of others are more effective than mine, and the course that I had already set out on gets derailed…(this can be the dark side to the gift of humility).. What I liked about the comment on action was that you brought in strategy and not just blind action. It reminded me of a book I recently purchased, Flawless Execution by James D. Murphy. I’m looking forward to reading about the success strategies that he has put in place. Developing the strategy muscle is definitely an area that I can grow.
Yeah, trying to replicate the success of others has been the story of my life. Wanting to take the sure path and being afraid to trust my own instincts and strengths were the main reasons I got trapped there. Being willing to take a step back, often, to evaluate if you’re on the right course or executing your chosen strategy well, is also invaluable. You might want to check out the book Mastery by Robert Greene. I’ll take a look at Flawless Execution as well. Always love a relevant book recommendation! Thanks!
That will definitely be my next book! Thank you for sharing your experience and the recommend.
I am so thrilled to have found you…..your ideas are inspiring as is your personal story. I can relate on many levels….making life changes are never easy…..have made several myself. ….and am on the verge of yet another. Taking action and jumping into unknown waters is a challenge. What particularly rings a bell is that your true talents only emerged once your blog was actually up and running for some time…..I need to think about this.
Thanks, Robin. I’m glad we found each other too. Keep in mind that, for service based businesses like yours, you don’t have to have a strong web presence. Few of my coaching clients come directly from my blog, they come through word of mouth. And while it’s true that my first clients came through my blog, I could have found them other ways. I’ve helped clients sell both services and online course, without a blog or list of their own. So my best advice is: keep thinking outside of the box!
Hello Jennifer,
I found your site through Marriane Cantewell and the Free range human circle. I enjoyed this post and look forward to some more.
Thanks, Milu. Marianne is a dear friend so happy to have some of her Free Range Humans here. I’ve been on a bit of a blogging sabbatical due to a heavy client workload this year, but hope to get back to writing soon!
Thank you for your kind reply Jennifer. I would love to get coaching from you but first I feel that I have to prepare for it by clarifying my story of “I’ve got too many skills and talents to chose from so I don’t know which one to package as a product for the benefit of others. ” Out of my coaching experience I would like to gain clarity, make an action plan and make a start. My issue is, do I focus on A, B or C? Which one would be most profitable? Which one would I most enjoy working on long term? Could I unite them into one “thing”? I feel like by focusing on one strength or skill, I neglect another equally amazing and lovely talent. Sigh.
Is it divine intervention that brought me to your site and this particular article? It may be because the timing is spot on! I can relate to every one of these stumbling blocks and struggle every day to get past them. I can tell you that these “reasons” have essentially paralyzed me and prevented me from moving forward at all. Seeing them now written out helps me to recognize them more clearly and maybe now I can tackle them more effectively. Great info Jen!!
I hear you! I’ve dealt with all of these myself, some still to this day, but with more awareness and effectiveness. I love that I am ambitious but I’ve also learned how to more effectively channel those ambitions to create the life I want. You might find my Define Success for Yourself course useful. Without a personal definition of success, I find I’m always getting dragged back into expectations and the superhero mindset. Those cues are everywhere in society and it’s just too easy to follow that path if you aren’t very conscious of where YOU want to go. So glad you found the article too. Let me know how your efforts go!